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Your kid really sounds a lot like I did at that age. Reclusive (that may come across as lazy), hotheaded, etc. If you hadn’t already, I implore you to read my response to another commenter giving a story on how that played out.
This sounds like depression on top of all else. I wouldn’t take the reclusiveness personally. Shutting you out like that is them metaphorically curling up into a ball and shutting off the outside world.
It’s funny because I was just thinking about that point in my life, when I was going through depression. It’s obvious to me, looking back, but hindsight is 20:20.
I thought about this, because my nephews dad has stage iv cancer, and I worry about him and what he’ll do without his dad around (I never personally cared for the dad, I wish him well and got no ill will towards him, we just never clicked, but the nephews a good kid and a blank slate who got handed shitty parents with money who try to use the money to make up for being shitty people….but I digress).
Anyways, final stop on the thought train…I started wishing that I had some sort of adult mentor/life-coach/confidant…someone with wisdom, who is open minded, and most importantly not my parents. Essentially a therapist but in a much more casual level. Like Tommy Chong in That 70s Show. A second dad. I feel like uncles are supposed to fill that role but it could really be my trusted mature adult they have a close relationship with.
Somebody like that would have been so helpful in dealing with all the pressures that went along with being a teenager (and I’m sure it’s actually a million times worse now, with social media and being always on and hustle-culture and a quite uncertain environmental and political future (and that, for your kid, probably even worse being LGBTQ), on tops of just getting through school. There were a million things I needed guidance on but just could not talk to (gasp) my parents about. We just didn’t have that kind of relationship, and I had nowhere to go.
Does your kid have anybody like that? Because it sounds like they desperately need someone older and wiser to speak candidly about their life with, and they aren’t seeing you as that person. And don’t take that personally. I’m sure you had plenty of things you needed to talk to an adult about when you were growing up, but wouldn’t dare think of asking your parents, too.
Aside from that…the bonding activities that you suggested…are these things that they enjoy? If there’s depression then they may not want to be out eating in public with their dad. Let alone being in a large crowd (especially if they are neurodivergent and can get overstimulated easily like at a concert).
Thinking critically if you’ve shared these events in the past, did they really enjoy it? Or were they trying to make you happy, or did they feel obligated (and now, being older, they maybe now feel a bit more confident in saying no).
How’s the weather where you are? Maybe a nice walk or a bike ride. Something quiet. Calm. Casual. Where there’s privacy enough for a good conversation but still not feeling totally isolated with you. And as corny as it sounds, light exercise is really, really good for depression. Something about sunlight and fresh air that just does your mind good.
No worries. Good luck.
Please see my last comment (chronologically, before this one in my profile). Your initial post hits especially close to home for me because I’ve been on both sides, both as a parent (currently, feeling the same type of frustrations, albeit not as fermented), and as the kid (having been in the position your kid would be in if finding this post a couple years from now).
Story time.
The really funny thing is that the turning point in my relationship with my parents was when I googled a friends name. He was a musician.
I had a CD of his that I lost in a car that I sold to a rando on Craigslist a few years prior to our story.
When I googled him I found a blog where he had started documenting restoring this car (a 1990 Volvo wagon, of all things). He had found my friends CD. The blog went dark after only a few posts but I was intrigued. He catalogued a few other things of mine he found in the car, namely a wig that I used in a costume, and an herb grinder (which he documented as a wig-care-product) and I was amused at the stories he was coming up with for my stuff.
Googled the guy. Found him on an enthusiasts forum for this type of car (honestly the internet is an amazing thing).
Found a post from him from where he was introducing himself and plugging the aforementioned blog a couple days after the first blogpost.
In the post, he talked at length about the process of buying the car, including a very specific anecdote from when we test drove it.
I wasn’t home to actually handle the sale of the car. My dad was. And apparently my dad ranted to this complete stranger about how much of a shit kid I am. In so much length and detail that this random person felt the need to retell his rant on the internet to countless other random strangers, including me…said shit kid.
That rant sounded exactly like op.
Next place my mind went…what are the odds that of all the random strangers my dad meets in a day, and out of all the people in his actual circle, the only one he vented to about me would also write a post documenting it for me to stumble on by accident? Probably zero. Ergo he must’ve been talking shit about me to anyone who would listen.
In retrospect I admit I was a shit kid (well, presenting as a shit kid). But in retrospect I also realize that I was through a pit of depression and anxiety and a ton of shit that came along with it. And later diagnosed with ADHD. In retrospect, it should have been painfully obvious to anyone, but especially my parents. But instead of doing anything constructive, it was met with hostility and anger and resentment, and fights constantly broke out over petty shit.
Thats why I feel fine admitting that I was absolutely acting shitty at the time, but I don’t feel fine repairing that bridge after reading all the things he said about me to a complete stranger. What a massive gut punch it is to read such hurtful things about you, from your own father, on a public forum.
You two are stuck in a feedback loop. It’s a really tough spot to be in until you realize it and work on it.
Anxiety in a hostile environment (or the perception of being in a hostile environment) will be met with reciprocal hostility. And then things escalate, and then repressed, and it continues. You two are fanning each others flames. You may be more alike than you realize or care to admit.
Good luck finding a therapist. Remember it’s a lot like dating…you may get lucky on the first meeting, you might find yourself completely incompatible with them, or you may find someone that you’re comfortable enough with to build a good rapport with over multiple sessions.
It honestly sounds like you could cut the tension in your house with a knife.
Y’all need to chill. You both need individual therapy so you can both figure out a constructive way to unpack your relationship and essentially fight a proxy war between your two therapists.
Moreover, you two need serious, positive, parent/offspring bonding. You need to realize that your kid doesn’t feel welcome in your house or around you. They feel trapped because they have no other option. This is a highly stressful situation. It’s met with tension and panic and fight/flight/freeze. This is plain as day to see if you step back and breathe for a moment. Figure out something you two can enjoy where there’s little outside responsibility and maybe the two of you can share a smile. It sounds like you desperately need that.
Perhaps there’s a breakdown in communication that you’re missing.
They want to be a character designer. They have a very set definition of what that is, and they see it as a sole persons job. Ultimatey, they don’t have the exposure to reality to conceptualize how the corporate (or even the starving-artist) world works to know that a single “character” has multiple levels to their design that are each a very integral part of the finished product, and each of those requires a very specific focus and set of skills…whether that be concept art, clay modeling, 3D modeling, graphic design, wardrobe, voice-acting, makeup, backstory, dialogue, etc.
Helping them to understand that will help them to understand the need to specialize, hopefully towards something they already have some natural aptitude in. And that specialization (as a writer, or artist, or fashionista) will have value in job markets outside of whatever field they peg “character design” in. Now they have multiple career options while still being able to practice the craft that brings them enjoyment.
Helping you to understand that may help you to understand why so much “character development” is contractor work. Except it’s not just the piecemeal nature of it, that’s just how corporate world is now. Steady W2 work is hard to come by for a lot of careers in the space between “high school diploma or GED required” and “must have at least 3 post-graduate degrees in a related field and 20 years of work experience in a field that only existed for 10”.
Just don’t stress the multiple options too much. They sound like the type of person who would get analysis paralysis. That’s not a bad thing in itself, it means they are very aware of action/consequence…it just leads to some bit of anxiety which then results in a stalemate.
It sounds like the lesson your kid needs to learn now is how to cope with things after your parents stop micromanaging you and it all falls apart.
This sounds like something my therapist helped me realize about both my kid and myself.
When things come easy and naturally, we (my kid and myself, possibly your kid as well) appear as rockstars, and we feel as rockstars. We get recognized and praised for things that we excel at with little effort.
Thats great and all…until effort is needed. And then panic. And the natural response to that is fight/flight/freeze.
Compounding that, we let perfect be the enemy of good. Subliminally, failing with minimal effort is more acceptable to us than putting in a ton of effort for anything that won’t stroke our egos more than something that comes easily.
This is basically perfectionism.
Now, add ADHD to that and you’ve got quite a mess. You’ve got someone who can easily hyperfocus on things that you don’t want/need them to do, because they get that sweet sweet dopamine…and they are going to hyperfocus because it’s so much easier than working hard and not getting the dopamine.
Honestly I don’t think there’s much to do for it except realization and cognitive behavior therapy. For both of you. Your part is equally important. If they complete a task you need to show honest appreciation for it, even the small stuff. Your tone in these posts comes across as a bit frustrated and fed up. If that tone carries across to your conversation with your kid, they will pick up on that and it’ll contribute to the feedback loop…”why should I even bother if dad doesn’t care”.
Celebrating small victories (tincluding he “participation trophies” that boomers love to joke about while they themselves popularized them) isn’t about empty gestures or making everybody feel special just for warm and fuzzies. It’s a subtle psychological trick to prevent exactly what you’re facing.
You talked an awful lot about your kid.
How are you doing?
Your 18yo sounds like a grown up version of my 4.5 year old. Honestly if you said the arguments were about potty training we’d be talking about the same person.
How were they, when they started living with you full time, with regards to pottying? Difficult? Regressive? Headstrong?
I ask because how you are doing, because I started seeing a therapist for my own struggles with parenting. And it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done. It really gives a chance to reflect and get honest constructive feedback on how I approach and handle interactions and discipline and whatnot. Most importantly, how to deal with stresses of parenting a difficult kid and not criticize yourself too harshly at every setback.
Please, if you haven’t already, consider a therapist for you, preferably one who specializes in family issues.
Not your circus not your monkey. I wouldn’t be so quick to be diagnosing other peoples kids, but if you’re concerned about her behaviors, I think that would merit a (friendly, civil) conversation with her grownups.
I would also say to steer clear of picking your kids friends for them (and that includes excluding people from being their friends). Thats a a parents doomsday weapon. You save that for kids who really rub you the wrong way. That breeds resentment. If you have concerns about their friends and who they associate with, you need to progress to that tool after weighing other options…most importantly, starting with having a mature and respectful dialogue with your kid about the types of people they associate with. They are at the right age that you can and should be having serious grownup conversations with them and connecting with them as if they are more of an adult and less of a kid. Give them the respect they deserve as long as it is reciprocated.
Finding a therapist is a very personal thing. It’s a lot like dating. You may not really click with several until you really know what you’re looking for, and even then you may have personality conflicts.
Best to check with your insurance (if applicable) and see which platforms they support and has in-network therapists licensed in your state. Headway and Talkiatry are two very popular big name platforms.
Off the cuff it sounds like you are projecting onto your kid.
I say this because I’ve been in the same boat. It’s really easy to find your own strengths and flaws in your kids, and it’s a very small step to projection from there.
It’s hard to remember what you were like…really like…at those ages. You can easily remember your teenage and later elementary years, and that’s often what we project because that’s what we remember.
I’d honestly suggest that instead of asking other uneducated schmucks on the internet, you discuss this topic with your own therapist. If you don’t have one, I’d highly suggest shopping around, particularly for one in your particular shoes. I have difficulty with stress and anger, and my kids are a big trigger for that…I was lucky to find an online therapist that deals with stress/anger management, and also family issues and also works as a childhood psychology professor. I would absolutely bring this to him. Thats what he’s there for, and online therapy sessions are surprisingly affordable.
I know, my step-MIL had her last in her mid-40s. She had GD and he was born 13lbs and natural, and oh will she let you know about that. Which is especially embarrassing now that he’s old enough to take to the bar.
Point is they aren’t always entirely planned. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you about the specifics.
Two months of actively trying is pretty good. We were at 1 of honestly trying, only because her Aunt showed up on our honeymoon. But we were certainly more cautious (“don’t be a dummy…”) between “stopping the pill” and “trying not to be pregnant in a wedding dress” and “trying to actually start the family”
Ehh even that might change.
Nature has a way of making parents forget about how hard it was. At the end of the day, that’s really the goal for all sexually reproduced life…be fruitful and multiply.
Usually after you get past potty training, get into a bit of a lull in toddler mood swings. That quiet period between terrible 2s and a threenager.
Then you and your partner see an infant. Usually a niece/nephew. Sometimes a close friend. And you both swoon. And that’s the first symptom of baby fever.
Once you’re exposed it is difficult to shake, and more difficult if you are cohabitating with another carrier. Repeated exposure results in longer and longer recovery times.
Baby fever can only be cured by producing a baby, but its effects can be prevented. Ask your doctor about Vasectomies today.
You seem to be in a better space now reading your more recent comments. I’m hoping that means you’ve taken the opportunity to breathe and look at the big picture, holistically and objectively.
It sounds like you honestly want to be a present and positive influence in your kids life. That’s great. The problem now is that your kid isn’t very receptive to it.
From what I see, that’s a combination of normal teenagerdumb, plus some added neurodivergency, depression, and being LGBTQ in a world that sends a lot of mixed messages as to whether or not it’s ready to accept them. Thats tough. You have my deepest sympathies.
The wetting on walks or going out is exactly what my therapist has forwarned me about if we’re not able to get past our potty training regressions. Turns out anal retentive behavior in toddlerhood, if not worked out actually works out to poor personality traits in adulthood. And, it turns out anal retentive behavior can be a lot to do with how potty training was even handled. It can easily lead to a power struggle, holding until discomfort, or even holding till constipation pushes on the bladder and they can’t help but pee right now.
So, maybe, if you want to blame your ex for something, you can blame her for that.
Don’t forget that there is another option. You leave them alone and let them work things out on their own. Be present and supportive, let them know that you’re there for them, and give them space and time and comfort to sort it out themselves. If this is the path you go on, it’s critical that you mind your attitude, especially around them. You don’t want to do anything to give them the perception that they are unwelcome. Calling doing so a triggerfest would be a bad thing. It’s imperative to realize that they are in a dark spot. They need help but at the same time want to be left alone. They are getting torn apart from the inside at several levels. Any reaction they give is just that…a reaction. For a depressed person, the person they present to the world is a shell of themselves running on autopilot. There’s a ton going on below the surface and that’s where all their focus is, and they just want you to get away from it, because your presence is harming their recovery.
If you haven’t experienced depression before, congratulations.
Though it sounds like you may be even starting to. Constantly fighting battles to end in a stalemate at best every time is a good way to get there. It’s bad enough you two are feeding off each other, it’ll be worse when you’re both in the pits of it.
Hard work fine, and hard work good…but first take care of head.