My 16-year-old son has a similar background and behaviour. In spite of our constant support, non-judgement and patience, we get only rude, sullen responses, tantrums, and zero cooperation. Thank you for sharing your story because it shows I’m not the only one going through this. It feels like hell.
We try not to take the bait when he initiates conflict. We also face high expectations from him in terms of looking after his needs and wants (rides, spending money, feeding him) with nothing but ingratitude and grief in return. We keep catering to him because we feel like that’s the only way to stay connected. He is testing us and perhaps wants us to reject him.
We also want to make sure he has safe transportation, a decent diet, and so on. Sometimes I imagine that he is so incredibly conflicted and absorbed by his internal struggles that he doesn’t actually have anything left for other people or his own basic needs. That helps a bit.
A commenter mentioned that this all sounds like 4-year-old behaviour. I think it literally is: my kid’s emotional state is like that of a very young child. I wouldn’t expect a 4-year-old to get everything right, and I would be infinitely patient. It is harder with someone who looks like a young adult, but the same patience is necessary.
I don’t have the answers, but I can tell you some things that we are doing.
Take a break. My wife and I try to find times to get away – for dinner, a walk, overnight, visiting friends. We need the perspective and the respite. Our relationship is at stake.
Taking our cues from him. When he is willing to engage (even saying hello when we pick him up, say), we feel glad. When he isn’t willing, we don’t push it. We ask him to participate in household chores (walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, etc.), but we don’t lose it when he doesn’t comply. Sometimes he does, and we celebrate that. Our expectations have become very low: Is he eating? Good. Is he safe? Good. Is he going to school (not neecessarily to class, even just to the building)? Good. Everything else is a bonus.
Going for counselling. He refuses to go to a counsellor, doctor, or any other intervention, but we still do. Sounds like you are also doing this. We have found it essential.
Patience. We think he may get past this. Most people do. Even if they go through a lot of things in life, more often than not, kids grow into themselves eventually. We try not to overreact, judge, or push things. The status quo is better than most of the alternatives in our case.
Please don’t listen to judgemental people trying to tell you that you are the whole problem. Of course you are all part of it – that’s the nature of relationships, but this is bigger than that.
We are in the middle of this, just like you, so I can’t predict how it will turn out. Hold on and keep trying. Good luck!
My 16-year-old son has a similar background and behaviour. In spite of our constant support, non-judgement and patience, we get only rude, sullen responses, tantrums, and zero cooperation. Thank you for sharing your story because it shows I’m not the only one going through this. It feels like hell.
We try not to take the bait when he initiates conflict. We also face high expectations from him in terms of looking after his needs and wants (rides, spending money, feeding him) with nothing but ingratitude and grief in return. We keep catering to him because we feel like that’s the only way to stay connected. He is testing us and perhaps wants us to reject him.
We also want to make sure he has safe transportation, a decent diet, and so on. Sometimes I imagine that he is so incredibly conflicted and absorbed by his internal struggles that he doesn’t actually have anything left for other people or his own basic needs. That helps a bit.
A commenter mentioned that this all sounds like 4-year-old behaviour. I think it literally is: my kid’s emotional state is like that of a very young child. I wouldn’t expect a 4-year-old to get everything right, and I would be infinitely patient. It is harder with someone who looks like a young adult, but the same patience is necessary.
I don’t have the answers, but I can tell you some things that we are doing.
Take a break. My wife and I try to find times to get away – for dinner, a walk, overnight, visiting friends. We need the perspective and the respite. Our relationship is at stake.
Taking our cues from him. When he is willing to engage (even saying hello when we pick him up, say), we feel glad. When he isn’t willing, we don’t push it. We ask him to participate in household chores (walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, etc.), but we don’t lose it when he doesn’t comply. Sometimes he does, and we celebrate that. Our expectations have become very low: Is he eating? Good. Is he safe? Good. Is he going to school (not neecessarily to class, even just to the building)? Good. Everything else is a bonus.
Going for counselling. He refuses to go to a counsellor, doctor, or any other intervention, but we still do. Sounds like you are also doing this. We have found it essential.
Patience. We think he may get past this. Most people do. Even if they go through a lot of things in life, more often than not, kids grow into themselves eventually. We try not to overreact, judge, or push things. The status quo is better than most of the alternatives in our case.
Please don’t listen to judgemental people trying to tell you that you are the whole problem. Of course you are all part of it – that’s the nature of relationships, but this is bigger than that.
We are in the middle of this, just like you, so I can’t predict how it will turn out. Hold on and keep trying. Good luck!