Y’all both got a lot going on, and yes, should have worked on it before kids, but here y’all are.
When we had our first kid (12 now), I really struggled with the emotional connection piece for weeks. It’s common. I don’t think I had a strong emotional connection until she was like 2 or something. I had bad anger issues, dealing with my own depression & BS. But, she’s 12 now.
With our second, the emotions for her came faster. I was in less stress, more established career wise, but my wife struggled more with postpartum. She never struggled with depression and finally found herself going through feelings of inadequacy & feeling like a failure. She got on meds, made a big difference, and it eventually worked out with her getting off of them.
Our third kid was significantly easier for both of us. We had different struggles, but it wasn’t kid related.
I know where you are mentally. You need to find a healthy outlet for the resentment and then come back to what you have now, someone dependent on you.
You can/could be a deadbeat or absent, but you may be a better parent for a different age. My wife was great with little ones (0-2). I did much better with toddlers and young kids (3-8). We’re both getting used to tweens.
I know it might be a financial strain, but you should both seek therapy. This isn’t a pejorative (as is “You’re so messed up!”), but therapy can help significantly, especially your partner. She may want to consider a psych.
Good luck. For me, the first few weeks were the worst. No sleep, just doing shit on auto-pilot like “why the f*ck did we do this…?” But my kids have brought incredible joy in my life. I wouldn’t want them to disappear now, no matter how much work it is some days.
Y’all both got a lot going on, and yes, should have worked on it before kids, but here y’all are.
I know where you are mentally. You need to find a healthy outlet for the resentment and then come back to what you have now, someone dependent on you.
You can/could be a deadbeat or absent, but you may be a better parent for a different age. My wife was great with little ones (0-2). I did much better with toddlers and young kids (3-8). We’re both getting used to tweens.
I know it might be a financial strain, but you should both seek therapy. This isn’t a pejorative (as is “You’re so messed up!”), but therapy can help significantly, especially your partner. She may want to consider a psych.
Good luck. For me, the first few weeks were the worst. No sleep, just doing shit on auto-pilot like “why the f*ck did we do this…?” But my kids have brought incredible joy in my life. I wouldn’t want them to disappear now, no matter how much work it is some days.