I always figured I’d have a kid(s) because…that’s what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don’t have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don’t feel like that), not understanding what it means to be “happy”…stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I’m still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I’m not a monster so I won’t shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I’m not going to hurt this kid. I’m not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I’ve had no “my whole world changed and I’d die for this kid” moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn’t die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I’m trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can’t do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn’t stay awake while feeding (she’s pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren’t specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won’t be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don’t, everything will go to even deeper shit. She’s the one who wanted 5 kids and I’m now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it’s a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I’m changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it’s a job and I hate my job even though I’m killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it’s the first time I’ve seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
I have a 7 year old and can tell you your feelings are justified and not entirely unique. Father’s have issues bonding and it takes time, at 3 weeks all the thing does is shit, eat, and sleep. Good on you for helping your wife with her post pardum and she continue to seek help with that. If it all begins to feel overwhelming, you should seek help too because men can also have post pardum, especially if the resentment builds and you begin having negative thoughts about neglecting the child.
All in all, the only thing I can really recommend is that you trudge through, lean on your wife a little more, she can probably take it, especially if you open up to her about your struggles. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, but kids to begin to sleep better and have more of an emotional connection in the 3-6 month range.
I never liked humans aged 0-10, and could only kinda stand adolescents and young adults in small doses.
But I wanted adult children because I wanted the relationship that I had with my parents from my 20’s onward. Many of the well adjusted adults I know had or have really close relationships with their supportive, loving parents, and it seems like a relationship that goes both ways, between the 30-something child and the 60-something parent.
So now I have kids. I still don’t really care for other people’s children, although I’ve softened my views and attitudes towards them. But I love my own children, and I’m very excited about how they’re developing into actual humans with their own personalities who will one day be their own full fledged adults who I love and who love me.
I found the helpless infant stages to be simultaneously boring and stressful. It wasn’t until they were eating food that I cooked for them (5-6 months in) that started to feel an emotional connection, and some kind of meaning in parenting. Then, when they started talking I became more emotionally invested in the relationship.
For me it did get better but that thought (that I was never fully on board) may always be in the back of your mind.
We have 2. I was mostly up for it the first time but still had a lot of time in the first few months (for both kids) where, if I were typing my experience out, I also would have had to reassure people I was not violent. Very shortly after our second was born I got a vasectomy, which gave me some peace of mind.
The first 3 months were really rough for me, and then the next 3 were a little easier, and after 6 months they become humans and are a bit more interesting. Around a year when they start walking, and especially when they start talking a bit later it can be a lot of fun. But not all of it; there will still be incredibly frustrating moments where you’ll wonder why you got into it at all (which is obviously true of nearly anything).
So it does get better, especially once they get beyond the potato stage, and right now you just have to keep them - and yourself - alive (which isn’t too difficult, thankfully).
Shifting the goal posts banking on this. Every time I said something like “they’re not real people until you can start communicating with them” i caught a bunch of flack. Glad I’m not the only one. People always asked me if I wanted to meet their 8wk old baby and I saw no point to it.
Well they are ready people. They just haven’t learned how to identify emotions or other distress, and only have one way to vocalize it. They’re extremely vulnerable. Also, they don’t know the difference between colic, hunger, constipation and other physical distress, and neither do you, without experience. A sharp, shrieking wail can be a clue that it’s probably something other than hungry/nappy needs changing. Also, keep genitals covered with the used diaper until the fresh one is ready for use.
They go through a bunch of phases in the first three years:
houseplant (need to be watered and fed, don’t interact much),
blind kitten (need to be fed, not in control of movements, don’t really interact, can move)
kitten - can move and interact, not really in control of actions.
Puppy - can interact, likes playing, not in control of emotions, can move
drunk troll - likes moving, vaguely understands what’s happening, gets upset for weird reasons, starting to express love towards you, destroys things for fun/frustration
And then they start getting more like people. It’s easier to interact with them. As they get closer to creatures we understand, it will be easier to love them.
I agree that once they pass the “potato” phase and start behaving like humans, it becomes easier to connect and like them.
That being said, OP and his wife should go to therapy together. It could be that he feels drained from having to be there all the time, and they need to talk this over before it becomes a problem. Maybe OP’s not feeling apathy, but exhaustion.
Yeah, i agree that could be helpful, but if OP is already feeling like they’re not able to do what they want to then it may be a stretch to add (and coordinate their, their partner’s, both parties’ work if in the US, and potentially a sitter’s schedules) may be asking too much.
At that age, there is almost certainly a lot of exhaustion (which doesn’t do great things for apathy itself) so I’m sure thats a part of it.
I have kids, 3 of them, did not want any. It gets better! It’s normal to not fall instantly in love with them, even for the mother. It’s a new person in your life and require that you adapt and change a lot of things.
It’s not clear from your post what is exactly going on with your wife but postpartum syndrome is a reel thing and may be affecting her.
If you need help reach out to family and friends if that’s possible. Depending on where you are in the world you may be able to find local support for new families, or even dad support groups.
I’m a little intrigued and confused by this. You had not one, not two, but THREE kids and you didn’t want any of them? I’m not judging but I’m really confused. Are you doing it to please your partner? Isn’t this a recipe for disaster?
I have a friend that is expecting his FOURTH kid and he’s the same: he never wanted more than two. And he looks miserable ALL THE TIME. Those kids are not going to get the adequate love - I’m sorry just because they have a meal and a roof on their head, that’s not love.
For context: I have two kids. One of them has a disability. The energy it takes to give them love and take care of them is so much esp because of the one with a disability. I would kill myself if I had a third kid. Again. Not judging. I’m just trying to understand
Just chiming in real quick, don’t have much time to write, i’m a father of 2.
It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.
3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.
Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that’s what we do, so let’s do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on
Just to chime in to add to the anecdotal stats. I really didn’t feel anything with our firstborn until they were about 6 months old and started to develop a personality and was able to actually interact. I don’t think I really felt a bond until like 9 months.
Maybe thats rare, but maybe not. I feel like most guys think they’re supposed to feel something magical right away and just say that they do so they don’t fell like an asshole explaining that they don’t feel a connection right away.
Bonding happens over time no worries. But do try to relax a little more. When all you have is stress you cannot possibly enjoy the experience. Also thinking of the kid as a little you makes sense.
man, i hope things turn around for you. only advice i can think of is tough it out, and do your best to not take it out on the kid like so many fathers do
Already tried to make it very clear that I intend to and already am doing everything i can for this kid. I have no intention of being a bad father. It’s just that I’m not feeling the passion everyone told me I would.
You will bond with the kid later, not now. I think its pretty common for dads to connect much later. You didnt carry the kid so you have no connection yet.
Give it time but also stop doing all unnecessary work. You cant emotionally connect if you are always tired and you associate the kid only with screaming in the background.
I’m a parent to a lot of kids and the only thing I’ll say that hasn’t been said already is that my experience is that you bottom out around 8 weeks in from exhaustion and broken sleep, then it’s a slow uphill move from there as baby’s sleep routines start to settle in and you find your own groove.
I felt so bad when my first was born. I felt similar, the immediate jolt of love and connection wasn’t exactly there. I was tired, practically starving myself, we could barely afford ourselves at the time let alone all the baby stuff. I started a new job about a week after he was born, working from home which meant I could take care of everyone but didn’t really get to enjoy any of it. When my wife went back to work we would spend entire weekends together just us, from morning to night, he would scream, and I would cry.
3 years later that same baby, I’d rip my fucking skin off with rusty pliers if there was a chance of keeping him safe. He’s my best friend, we spend all day together and I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything.
My second is 3 months old, but now I know. That immediate connection wasn’t there but it’s slowly growing. I fell like because I’m not worried about its been so much easier. I trucked through that rough patch and now he’ll let me put him down without too much of a fight.
Just give it time and hopefully you’ll get to feel that overwhelming love, it’s worth it. Although I know a few people who got stuck on the lack of connection initially and never got over it, it’s really sad.
Just keep at it, nothing your saying sounds too out of place to me. Keep an open line of communication with your partner. Tell her you’re struggling while acknowledging you see her struggles too. Don’t forget you’re in it together, it’s not a competition.
I felt so bad when my first was born. I felt similar, the immediate jolt of love and connection wasn’t exactly there … he would scream, and I would cry. …
3 years later that same baby, I’d rip my fucking skin off with rusty pliers if there was a chance of keeping him safe
This is my experience as well. Nobody seems to talk about it IRL, but I see similar sentiment online.
I was lucky enough to take 3 months off for both of my kid’s birth, so the connection was there pretty fast, but it really started to feel strong after 18 months for each, when they learn what a danger is and I can lower my guard a bit.
Even if my blood boils every other day, I would kill for them. This is really weird. They can bring the worst out of you and, in an instant, flip it on its head and make you feel almost high.
That’s awesome! It took me a while to build a connection.
Even if my blood boils every other day, I would kill for them. This is really weird. They can bring the worst out of you and, in an instant, flip it on its head and make you feel almost high.
Yeah, it’s a weird dynamic. I haven’t fully gotten used to it, tbh.
I’ll tell you the part you don’t want to hear: You compromised with your wife. Compromises suck. But they are better than no compromises. Having a child is the ultimate commitment.
Here’s the good news: the hardest part is behind you. Tough it out for a bit more. Everyday will get just a bit easier. New borns are not very interactive, so it’s kinda normal to not enjoy this part. Maybe you’ll get more out of it when the child starts smiling at you, or talking to you, or taking an interest in your hobby. Maybe not.
Also, you could be suffering from baby blues. It’s common, even at three weeks. Consider some support for yourself, not just your wife.
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I have a 7 year old and can tell you your feelings are justified and not entirely unique. Father’s have issues bonding and it takes time, at 3 weeks all the thing does is shit, eat, and sleep. Good on you for helping your wife with her post pardum and she continue to seek help with that. If it all begins to feel overwhelming, you should seek help too because men can also have post pardum, especially if the resentment builds and you begin having negative thoughts about neglecting the child.
All in all, the only thing I can really recommend is that you trudge through, lean on your wife a little more, she can probably take it, especially if you open up to her about your struggles. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, but kids to begin to sleep better and have more of an emotional connection in the 3-6 month range.
Good luck.
You’re not alone.
I never liked humans aged 0-10, and could only kinda stand adolescents and young adults in small doses.
But I wanted adult children because I wanted the relationship that I had with my parents from my 20’s onward. Many of the well adjusted adults I know had or have really close relationships with their supportive, loving parents, and it seems like a relationship that goes both ways, between the 30-something child and the 60-something parent.
So now I have kids. I still don’t really care for other people’s children, although I’ve softened my views and attitudes towards them. But I love my own children, and I’m very excited about how they’re developing into actual humans with their own personalities who will one day be their own full fledged adults who I love and who love me.
I found the helpless infant stages to be simultaneously boring and stressful. It wasn’t until they were eating food that I cooked for them (5-6 months in) that started to feel an emotional connection, and some kind of meaning in parenting. Then, when they started talking I became more emotionally invested in the relationship.
thanks for the heads up, gotta buy condoms bye
For me it did get better but that thought (that I was never fully on board) may always be in the back of your mind.
We have 2. I was mostly up for it the first time but still had a lot of time in the first few months (for both kids) where, if I were typing my experience out, I also would have had to reassure people I was not violent. Very shortly after our second was born I got a vasectomy, which gave me some peace of mind.
The first 3 months were really rough for me, and then the next 3 were a little easier, and after 6 months they become humans and are a bit more interesting. Around a year when they start walking, and especially when they start talking a bit later it can be a lot of fun. But not all of it; there will still be incredibly frustrating moments where you’ll wonder why you got into it at all (which is obviously true of nearly anything).
So it does get better, especially once they get beyond the potato stage, and right now you just have to keep them - and yourself - alive (which isn’t too difficult, thankfully).
Shifting the goal posts banking on this. Every time I said something like “they’re not real people until you can start communicating with them” i caught a bunch of flack. Glad I’m not the only one. People always asked me if I wanted to meet their 8wk old baby and I saw no point to it.
Well they are ready people. They just haven’t learned how to identify emotions or other distress, and only have one way to vocalize it. They’re extremely vulnerable. Also, they don’t know the difference between colic, hunger, constipation and other physical distress, and neither do you, without experience. A sharp, shrieking wail can be a clue that it’s probably something other than hungry/nappy needs changing. Also, keep genitals covered with the used diaper until the fresh one is ready for use.
They go through a bunch of phases in the first three years:
And then they start getting more like people. It’s easier to interact with them. As they get closer to creatures we understand, it will be easier to love them.
Good luck. It gets easier and better.
I agree that once they pass the “potato” phase and start behaving like humans, it becomes easier to connect and like them.
That being said, OP and his wife should go to therapy together. It could be that he feels drained from having to be there all the time, and they need to talk this over before it becomes a problem. Maybe OP’s not feeling apathy, but exhaustion.
Yeah, i agree that could be helpful, but if OP is already feeling like they’re not able to do what they want to then it may be a stretch to add (and coordinate their, their partner’s, both parties’ work if in the US, and potentially a sitter’s schedules) may be asking too much.
At that age, there is almost certainly a lot of exhaustion (which doesn’t do great things for apathy itself) so I’m sure thats a part of it.
I have kids, 3 of them, did not want any. It gets better! It’s normal to not fall instantly in love with them, even for the mother. It’s a new person in your life and require that you adapt and change a lot of things.
It’s not clear from your post what is exactly going on with your wife but postpartum syndrome is a reel thing and may be affecting her.
If you need help reach out to family and friends if that’s possible. Depending on where you are in the world you may be able to find local support for new families, or even dad support groups.
I’m a little intrigued and confused by this. You had not one, not two, but THREE kids and you didn’t want any of them? I’m not judging but I’m really confused. Are you doing it to please your partner? Isn’t this a recipe for disaster?
I have a friend that is expecting his FOURTH kid and he’s the same: he never wanted more than two. And he looks miserable ALL THE TIME. Those kids are not going to get the adequate love - I’m sorry just because they have a meal and a roof on their head, that’s not love.
For context: I have two kids. One of them has a disability. The energy it takes to give them love and take care of them is so much esp because of the one with a disability. I would kill myself if I had a third kid. Again. Not judging. I’m just trying to understand
You should not have had the kid, because you weren’t 100% invested in it
But, it’s too late now
You put your big-boy pants on, and you work. You don’t ever let the kid know that you fucked-up
This is your burden to bear. Be a man and get on with it, and give that kid the best life you can
And for fuck’s sake, have a vasectomy right now so that you don’t have a bandaid to try to unfuck this situation and make it worse
Looks like you missed almost all the points i made and it sounds like you need a hug
Just chiming in real quick, don’t have much time to write, i’m a father of 2.
It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.
3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.
Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that’s what we do, so let’s do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on
Just to chime in to add to the anecdotal stats. I really didn’t feel anything with our firstborn until they were about 6 months old and started to develop a personality and was able to actually interact. I don’t think I really felt a bond until like 9 months.
Maybe thats rare, but maybe not. I feel like most guys think they’re supposed to feel something magical right away and just say that they do so they don’t fell like an asshole explaining that they don’t feel a connection right away.
Bonding happens over time no worries. But do try to relax a little more. When all you have is stress you cannot possibly enjoy the experience. Also thinking of the kid as a little you makes sense.
man, i hope things turn around for you. only advice i can think of is tough it out, and do your best to not take it out on the kid like so many fathers do
Already tried to make it very clear that I intend to and already am doing everything i can for this kid. I have no intention of being a bad father. It’s just that I’m not feeling the passion everyone told me I would.
You will bond with the kid later, not now. I think its pretty common for dads to connect much later. You didnt carry the kid so you have no connection yet.
Give it time but also stop doing all unnecessary work. You cant emotionally connect if you are always tired and you associate the kid only with screaming in the background.
I’m a parent to a lot of kids and the only thing I’ll say that hasn’t been said already is that my experience is that you bottom out around 8 weeks in from exhaustion and broken sleep, then it’s a slow uphill move from there as baby’s sleep routines start to settle in and you find your own groove.
Don’t worry about the bonding. It’ll happen.
Good luck!
I felt so bad when my first was born. I felt similar, the immediate jolt of love and connection wasn’t exactly there. I was tired, practically starving myself, we could barely afford ourselves at the time let alone all the baby stuff. I started a new job about a week after he was born, working from home which meant I could take care of everyone but didn’t really get to enjoy any of it. When my wife went back to work we would spend entire weekends together just us, from morning to night, he would scream, and I would cry.
3 years later that same baby, I’d rip my fucking skin off with rusty pliers if there was a chance of keeping him safe. He’s my best friend, we spend all day together and I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything.
My second is 3 months old, but now I know. That immediate connection wasn’t there but it’s slowly growing. I fell like because I’m not worried about its been so much easier. I trucked through that rough patch and now he’ll let me put him down without too much of a fight.
Just give it time and hopefully you’ll get to feel that overwhelming love, it’s worth it. Although I know a few people who got stuck on the lack of connection initially and never got over it, it’s really sad.
Just keep at it, nothing your saying sounds too out of place to me. Keep an open line of communication with your partner. Tell her you’re struggling while acknowledging you see her struggles too. Don’t forget you’re in it together, it’s not a competition.
Good luck
This is my experience as well. Nobody seems to talk about it IRL, but I see similar sentiment online.
I was lucky enough to take 3 months off for both of my kid’s birth, so the connection was there pretty fast, but it really started to feel strong after 18 months for each, when they learn what a danger is and I can lower my guard a bit.
Even if my blood boils every other day, I would kill for them. This is really weird. They can bring the worst out of you and, in an instant, flip it on its head and make you feel almost high.
That’s awesome! It took me a while to build a connection.
Yeah, it’s a weird dynamic. I haven’t fully gotten used to it, tbh.
Thanks.
I’ll tell you the part you don’t want to hear: You compromised with your wife. Compromises suck. But they are better than no compromises. Having a child is the ultimate commitment.
Here’s the good news: the hardest part is behind you. Tough it out for a bit more. Everyday will get just a bit easier. New borns are not very interactive, so it’s kinda normal to not enjoy this part. Maybe you’ll get more out of it when the child starts smiling at you, or talking to you, or taking an interest in your hobby. Maybe not.
Also, you could be suffering from baby blues. It’s common, even at three weeks. Consider some support for yourself, not just your wife.
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