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ADHD isn’t a person’s problem, it’s a family problem
I’m going to hard disagree with you there. I think I understand where you’re coming from, but it’s wholly unacceptable to ask and expect society to bend to the needs of a neuro divergent person specifically with regard to ADHD. I’ll concede that ADHD is a family problem when a person is younger and trying to find their way in the world, but at some point the afflicted needs to figure out how to deal with their neurodivergence and work within the world, and however that looks to them.
If I can be so bold, reading through your comments is frustrating, because while you might be a parent with ADHD (while assuming I’m not familiar with the struggles), and a parenting coach, it’s clear to me that as a parent of a younger child, you very well may learn something you don’t expect to in the years to come. It’s easier to be an expert with regard to other peoples struggles on the internet. Some people are more compassionate, some people are more patient. But everyone has a limit. I don’t believe you’ve found yours yet and I hope that you never do.
In the future, stick to your lane. This post, is helpful. You’ve responded to different lines of conversation and different levels of presence (and patience) in my communications with other people. At this point, after reading posts in which you’ve attacked me, why would I consider anything you’ve said? I understand that you might advertise as a parenting coach, but respectfully, you have a terrible way of framing your advice on a forum, especially if coming late to the party. You’ve responded to me emotionally, isn’t that like the number one thing they teach you not to do as a coach or therapist?
Okay, I am REALLY not seeing all this education about ADHD you claim you have.
All of my experience with ADHD in and around my life I’ve never met someone as highly sensitive as my teen. I have never met anyone as bad as them. Ever.
Being combative is no way to engage in a conversation. Here’s the deal, my teen is an adult now. This post came out of years of frustration, and adaptation, and guard railing, and thinking for them, and being their crutch, and being their advocate. You can blame me all you want, it doesn’t change that they are my burden to raise and care for and I have done the best that I can with the tools that I have, which I admitted at the top weren’t the greatest. I’ve tried to put the right people in place to assist where I was unable. What else would you have me do?
Respectfully, take your bleeding heart elsewhere.
I hear you. I understand that ADHD is an executive function problem, well informed. The guardrails have been in place for years. We have provided tools. We have provided suggestions. Solutions, and even asked “What would work for you?”. We’ve worked with therapists and psychologists to try to instill habits, but my teen is extremely headstrong and wickedly (falsely) independent. There is nothing more I can do for them unless they want to ask it of me.
My teen learns nothing from their experiences, and does nothing to instill their own good habits. At 18, what else am I supposed to do for them? I’ve been trying to help for years.
Talk to their psychiatrist about moving them to a non-stimulant
In my state, this was off the table at 16, when my teen decided not to waiver me to advocate for their mental health care because they were (and to some degree still are) convinced that I am the source of all that is wrong in their world. I can’t fix that.
I’ve already addressed some of this elsewhere, but I felt it necessary to follow up directly. My teen has always been troubled. They have always been highly sensitive. Since they were 5, when we became a stable fixture in their life. We have provided anything they have asked for, from extra curriculars, to personal support as we were able. My teen is a pretty good artist. I work in the fine art reproduction field. I own my own company. I can tell you unequivically (albeit in my opinion), that while my teen has solid artistic talent, they’re not unique with their style, or subject matter (character designs). When my teen is given an assignment to break out of that preference, they shine. They excel. But it’s never because they want to. They’re an extremely talented photographer. They currently use my Nikon D200/D70. But they have never picked up the camera unless it was a school assignment. I have even offered to buy a new camera body, but like most things, it appears to be a passing ADHD phase. They achieved Junior Black Belt and up to Blue in senior when they were younger. The only rule we ever had was that they needed to participate in an extracurricular. One. Singular. It was up always to them. And only when a shouting match breaks out is there ever a push to do something else. Moving into ice hockey was another item where they were skilled, seemed to be enjoying themselves, but they claim to not remember any of the people they played with who are peers at their school. A one year stint in color guard, where they genuinely seemed happy followed that before another breakdown and it became much harder to encourage the participation.
My teen has been through several friend groups, and we only ever hear their side, and about how everyone else is wrong or has wronged them. It’s a pattern of behavior that becomes clear over time. I understand that I didn’t detail any of this out. I honestly wasn’t expecting as harsh as a response as I’ve received. I also tried to be pretty forward with my comments that I am not claiming to be right. I’m claiming to be stuck. The fact that I’m reaching out at all, and am actively engaging should be an indicator that I actually give a shit and am trying to figure out a path forward. A path to be better for my teen. I have empathy for my teen. I recognize that they’re struggling. The difficulty is that while they’re struggling, it’s my cross to bear and that, in turn, means I’m struggling.
I don’t think that expecting an 8 year old to know they have to pee or not, and further, an 8 year old shouldn’t be fighting back tears because of our reluctance to believe them when yell at us that “they don’t need to go” when we insist that they try to use the bathroom before we go on a walk or a road trip or whatever.
I don’t think that a 7 year old should be stealing from special needs classmates because they want the thing more than the special needs classmate needs whatever that thing is.
I don’t think that a 10 year old should be telling anyone who will listen that all we do is yell at them while we’re able to disprove it with audio and video playback. *Edit: I don’t think parent’s should ever feel that this should even be necessary. How do you think it felt to me that I had to do this? How do you think it feels that I feel the need to protect myself from my kid?
I don’t think that we, as parents, should be subjected to incoherent rants blaming us for scenarios that never happened. I understand that my teen is troubled. I have often wondered if someday they’ll get a schizophrenia diagnosis because of their insistence that whatever their brain has convinced them has taken place, in realty only took ever happened in their mindplace.
I don’t believe that we should have to accommodate someone who fails to communicate because a conversation doesn’t go exactly how they have prepared for. If we stray from the script they have prepared, then their world melts down.
My teen has mental health issues. I am woefully unequipped to deal with them, especially any longer. Once they turned 14 in our state, I can no longer force them to see their therapist. I can no longer force them to talk to their psychologist. I can no longer enforce them to take their meds. I can make strong suggestions, but that goes nowhere, as I’ve evidenced elsewhere in this comment thread. We have maintained as long as we’ve been able to. And at this point, I’m just trying to salvage my relationship with them. I hope you can understand.
If you hadn’t already, I implore you to read my response to another commenter giving a story on how that played out.
I read it while waking up this morning, I want to revisit this whole thread over the weekend. I’m burned out on this whole situation at the moment. I was looking for a little support and outside perspective with this thread, especially since I recognize that I’m too close to the situation at this point. I appreciate the attention you’ve given each of my comments. I don’t claim to be right about any of this, I recognize that I am not the greatest parent, I didn’t have great role models and have largely been left to figure it out. My teen was born when I was 23, so it’s been a learning experience, to say the least.
Teen was diagnosed with anxiety and depression years ago, hence the constant therapy. Getting them to take their meds with regularity has always been a struggle. I absolutely recognize that these are depressive spirals. But I can’t help someone who isn’t willing to help themselves. But I also recognize that is a paradoxical statement. In a depressive spiral or a manic episode, it’s not that a person is unwilling, it’s that they’re unable. Like, none of this is lost on me. I’m lost about can be done about it. Professionals have told me “Nothing. They have to hit rock bottom.” My comments about ODD and ASPD are strictly from the angle of it being impossible for me to do anything to help, because my teen goes out of the way to actively resist anything that comes from my partner or I. It’s so bad that recently my teen had a revelation about something that I had already suggested to them 2 weeks prior, because it came from a teacher they respect. I asked them what changed their mind and they “didn’t remember” that I suggested it. It was a hot button issue that they got heated over when I suggested it.
Does your kid have anybody like that? Because it sounds like they desperately need someone older and wiser to speak candidly about their life with, and they aren’t seeing you as that person. And don’t take that personally. I’m sure you had plenty of things you needed to talk to an adult about when you were growing up, but wouldn’t dare think of asking your parents, too.
I have been suggesting for some time now that perhaps they need to consider a new therapist for exactly this reason. They have a great connection with a couple of teachers that I work with one on one professionally, so I know there’s a least some connection there, and I’m greatful for that. I have concerns regarding how we’re perceived, but at this point, it is what it is. I know my truth.
Aside from that…the bonding activities that you suggested…are these things that they enjoy? If there’s depression then they may not want to be out eating in public with their dad. Let alone being in a large crowd (especially if they are neurodivergent and can get overstimulated easily like at a concert).
I have put it out there for them to suggest activities. I’m (really) an easy person to get along with. I can find something redeeming in most activities. The ND stuff is a little tricky for me because I can get behind not going to a punk rock show, but I’ve been in the area of a show they went to with friends and it was rowdier than some of the bands I’ve seen. But it’s their scene vs. my scene, and I get that. Video games are a big one, however infrequently they suggest one, I always take the opportunity. We have a collection of tabletop games as well as couch co-op PC games (like seriously dozens. We’re the party entertainment in our family). They tell me they want to play more VR games, and I’ve made myself available at a whim to set it up and get it going. But I’m not going to badger them to play. As for restaurants, we have a rolling schedule, every weekend, diner for breakfast, Saturday 10:30. They are always invited, the plan is always confirmed the evening before, and every Friday night, we get “Yeah I’ll be up in time” and every Saturday morning, it’s hours of oversleeping. It’s been as late as 1:30 in the afternoon before my partner says “fuck it, I’m not waiting any longer” before starting her cleaning routine to the attitude we receive for waking them up.
Thinking critically if you’ve shared these events in the past, did they really enjoy it? Or were they trying to make you happy, or did they feel obligated (and now, being older, they maybe now feel a bit more confident in saying no).
No idea. There have been times where it feels overtly obvious that they’re just forcing it. I’ve mentioned that they seem distracted, and if they had somewhere else they’d rather be/something else they’d rather be doing and that they were free to go do those things and we could raincheck, they have gotten defensive and belligerent with me about it. And when I have said that “hanging out right now just feels forced” they have broken down into tears and said that they didn’t feel that way. Obviously I apologized, but it’s just crazy to me how I’m expected to know what’s going on in their head when they’re unwilling to communicate in any way.
It’s like no matter what, I’m always wrong, and fuck me for even trying. It’s kind of why I feel like I’ve landed on this plateau of “whatever”. I feel like I’m extending an olive branch only to have it smacked away by a torch and I’m running out of branches.
How’s the weather where you are? Maybe a nice walk or a bike ride. Something quiet. Calm. Casual. Where there’s privacy enough for a good conversation but still not feeling totally isolated with you.
We used to go for walks a lot. It’s a trigger fest because when they were younger, we constantly had to remind them to hit the bathroom before hand, for a fight to break out “I don’t have to pee”, we’d say “try”, it would turn into a shouting match. We go on a walk, only for them to pee themselves. At 13. Road trips were similar, 1 hour drive to get to family around the holidays, same argument, same result. We have struggled with some form of difficulty since they were five. My comments have largely been misconstrued because I failed to relay information well enough in some of my other comments here. That’s on me, and I’ll own it.
Hi.
Not great. I’m actively looking for a therapist because I can’t keep feeling this way.
They have always been difficult. We were told by one therapist “buckle up, because it’s only going to get worse”. Positive reinforcement always led to regressive behavior. Negative reinforcement
I have felt so little positivity from being a parent. I wanted nothing more than to be present and participate in the milestones everyone always talks about. But my teen has made every one of those events a literal fight. Maybe it’s their anxiety and it manifests and anger or whatever, but they can be so hurtful and mean. Then they flip it and tell everyone who listens that it was my fault, and that I don’t support them, or I berate them or whatever. Like, how can any of that be true? I respect their pronouns, and orientation, and who they choose to keep their company with. I ask for bare minimum “with who/where/when” questions, and ask for updates when plans change (I don’t get updates). Then I have to put on the caring parent face when they come home upset because Tammy knocked their Boba over or whatever. We have been clear that all we want for her is success in life, and to be happy with who they partner with and to be safe.
And for what? To be lied to again? To be ignored again?
Its demoralizing and depressing. I’m so sad and I’m looking for a therapist.
I received a text that said “all done” after their shift at work tonight. I said “I’m on my way”, arrived my teen got in the car said “hey” I responded ‘whats up’ and we drove home in silence. No “thanks for picking me up” nothing at all. And when my partner said “you know you could thank your dad for picking you up” my teen responded “I did”. They did not.
They are rude, and have abandoned any lessons we instilled when they were younger with us. They have decided what kind of people we are as well. The relationship is disfunctional, for sure, but it is not solely my fault. I have tried to provide support networks, they have been on therapy since they were six.
Please try and understand that this has gotten worse over the years even whole in family therapy and one on one therapy for all of us.
I understand where you’re coming from, and yes, there’s 18 years of context missing. I’m self aware enough to recognize that this comment has made me a little defensive. I had hoped that by providing some additional context throughout the conversations I’ve been having all day would fill in some of the gaps but I also understand that these are conversations and not necessarily followed by everyone who has been kind enough to send their opinions.
Defensively, I’m speaking out of frustration and emotion, to a space that doesn’t involve my teen. That should have some weight in this conversation, but your criticism is valid nonetheless.
The short condensed version is that it’s been 13 years lying, deceitful and sneaky behavior, provable fabrication of events, and denials of truths. 13 years of being told by professionals that we need to stop berating the teen to which we’ve been forced to send pocket recordings of events to professionals to disprove what our teen has been telling them was fact. Our teen asks for nothing, expects everything, and doesn’t say please or thank you. We did not raise them this way. Those lessons have either been forgotten or flat out abandoned in their disdain for us.
Our teen doesn’t respect us, our home, our rules. We’re not allowed to expect anything of them, yet they expect everything from us, and without question. Obviously there’s a certain level of providing that a parent is expected to do for their children, but an 18 year old senior in high school is trying to tell me that it’s expected of me to wake them up at 6:30 in the morning if they sleep through their alarm because they were up all night playing fortnite or hanging out on discord. I don’t think so.
And to clarify, I didn’t call them a “fucking sociopath”. Sociopathy is a clinical phrase. Would you feel better if I called it ASPD or anti-social personality disorder? Like I get it, beinc called a sociopath has been bastardized by slang, but it’s still a diagnosis. Albeit, maybe a little antiquated.
This is helpful to me. It reminds me a of a conversation I’ve had with with a friend with a similar neuro divergent family member. So thank you for the reminder.
How can we as a family unit enforce those basic chores to be completed? It’s been a trigger fest for ten years and has been the number one issue in our home. Chores are never and have never been done without becoming a problem. I’ve never done the roommate thing so this kind of conflict resolution isn’t something I’ve ever dealt with.
My issues stem from my teens expectations of me. They expect me to wake them up for school or expect me to pick them up from work. It’s absurd.
That’s my point, they only want to design characters. Suggesting anything more is clearly preposterous and how dare I. It’s taken 3 years of having the same conversation to get my teen to realize that you need more than that. They’re impossible to communicate with, and more often than not, frustration takes over. Simple conversations become marathons of trying to force understanding from both sides.
And this is how it’s always been. 😮💨
We have been in family therapy on and off over the years. We’re currently in an off period. When in therapy they make little sense and resort to whst I can only describe as incoherent babbling fabricating things that never happened. We’ve had several therapists stop them and tell them that they’re not making sense or questioning something they said only for our teen (I should stop saying kid) to respond with “Nevermind I can’t get the words out” or “well it made sense to me”.
Part of this is just emotional speaking, so forgive me if there’s some contradiction. Just because I say they ware copy paste, in my eyes that’s not a comparison, as much as it’s context. But I understand your point.
I should add, kid isn’t even a good household citizen or even as far as roommate goes. They have literally two responsibilities, clean up after having a meal cooked for them, and keep the recycling can from overflowing. They never do either of those things unprompted and it always boils over into a fight eventually. Screen door never gets latched and we have to dedicate an entire day to laundry because it won’t get done on its own or in a timely manner. They take no responsibility for anything and everything is someone else’s fault to them. We often take the brunt of the anger whenever something tips their apple cart, whether it’s biomom or school or a rainy day. It matters little.
Prior to the rise of generative ai, there were a collective of 8-15 positions in the United States for a character designer. Speaking very broadly, it’s typically a contracted position, and not steady work. Usually undertaken by a design firm that does other things as well. I have only been able to have that conversation with them very recently that they should aim for that position, but be prepared to have a more diverse toolset. It’s been a fight every time. All I’m asking them to do is look outside of their bubble. And even then, only managed to get any traction when they couldn’t find “character design” as a collegiate major.
I am not comparing them to their mother. I am protecting myself from what I have already experienced both with the mother and themselves and setting my expectations. If I allowed it, my kid would just melt into their bed at every waking moment. And that isn’t an exaggeration. Either they go to college, or they prepare to pay rent. I’m not typically this kind of person, I’d rather nurture a much healthier relationship, but I feel like they haven’t left me with much choice. There has been ~~nothing ~~ very little rewarding about being a parent in this relationship*, and I’m tired, worn out and sad.
*Anything that I have taken an interest in to try and be supportive has been met with a slapped face of push back.
They haven’t seen a therapist in a year and only take their meds when they “remember”. College is only a conversation we’re having because they want to be a character designer (which is a job that doesn’t exist). When we bring up our concerns, we’re not being supportive. Like, the conversations are impossible.
I have set the expectation that they will not be permitted to freeload. That what their mother did, and I will never fall victim to that again.
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