I’m not confident in my parenting. I don’t feel like I’ve been a good parent, but I have done the best that I can with the tools and resources that I have.
My 18 y/o has lived with us since she was 4. My partner has been in my 18y/o’s life since they were 13 months old.
18y/o is copy->paste of their deadbeat mother and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what I can do about it at this point.
I have tried to instill structure, while allowing wiggle room at times. I recognize that it’s my job as the parent to draw hard lines and it’s my kids job to push the boundaries and cross those lines.
18y/o is almost mute around us. Doesn’t communicate much of anything beyond surface level ‘pleasantries’. And it’s more often than not, anything but pleasant. They (biological female) are diagnosed with ADHD, ‘change disorder’, anxiety and depression. I’ve done so much reading trying to figure out this person and how I can help, but nothing seems to help. Kid has never really be honest with therapists. Lies for no reason, and doubles down even when presented with irrefutable evidence that they’ve been caught. If I had to ‘self-diagnose’, they have ODD and are a sociopath, but I’ve seen how they behave around friends and peers. They only have disregard for us. Outside the home, they are a people pleaser. But if we suggest something, or ask for something to be done, it’s a fight, every time.
They are a senior in high school, is a good student when there’s nothing rocking their boat, but had steadily declining grades as the school year presses on. I have no idea what’s going on in their life, everything is responded to with a random selection of the following list:
I don’t know
I don’t remember
I don’t know how you want me to answer that
Do you want me to respond?
I don’t see what the problem is.
I don’t see how this is a big deal.
The current argument is regarding whether we should be expected to wake them up for school in the morning. I’ve already put my foot down about it, and since December 1st, they’ve already walked themselves to school twice because they overslept.
They are impossible to motivate. When things finally come to a head and an argument breaks out, which typically boils over because there can be no constructive conversation with someone who is either unable or unwilling to have a conversation. And only when the argument breaks out do we get any action on anything, and then it’s an overcorrection. For example, we’ve been pushing for them to fill out scholarship applications for 8 months. We’ve had friends provide spreadsheets with links to what we collectively think are viable scholarships, for no action responses. Then when we finally get a break in the wall, they fill out scholarship applications for tens of thousands of dollars for enrollment in a school states away with misleading GPA information. We are not in a financial position to accommodate that kind of enrollment, even if we wanted to support the decision. It comes off as an “I’ll show them” move.
Nevermind the drivers license thing. Can’t get them to get off their ass and get their license. It’s been a battle for 2 years. Something always goes wrong. Last time I pressed on it hard, we ended up in intensive outpatient therapy.
They’re unmanageable and I don’t know what to do for or with them. Our home is small, 800 sqft and it’s a hell hole. My partner has almost left me twice over this kid’s behavior over the years. Partner and kid do not get along at all at this point, and has lead to a false CPS report so my kid could try and move in with their crush’s family.
There so much context missing but there’s no time or room for 18 years of back story.
I don’t know if there’s a question here, but I need help or support, or something. Any stories or advice anyone cares to relay would be appreciated. I’m terrified that once this kid leaves, I’m never going to hear from them again. But I can’t control that, and I recognize it.
Follow up question, how do we parent someone who needs the help but makes it a traumatic issue every step of the way? Like they give me nothing to work with, but feel that I’m expected to make sure they’re awake in the morning because “my friends parents wake them up and it’s not a bid deal”
My 16-year-old son has a similar background and behaviour. In spite of our constant support, non-judgement and patience, we get only rude, sullen responses, tantrums, and zero cooperation. Thank you for sharing your story because it shows I’m not the only one going through this. It feels like hell.
We try not to take the bait when he initiates conflict. We also face high expectations from him in terms of looking after his needs and wants (rides, spending money, feeding him) with nothing but ingratitude and grief in return. We keep catering to him because we feel like that’s the only way to stay connected. He is testing us and perhaps wants us to reject him.
We also want to make sure he has safe transportation, a decent diet, and so on. Sometimes I imagine that he is so incredibly conflicted and absorbed by his internal struggles that he doesn’t actually have anything left for other people or his own basic needs. That helps a bit.
A commenter mentioned that this all sounds like 4-year-old behaviour. I think it literally is: my kid’s emotional state is like that of a very young child. I wouldn’t expect a 4-year-old to get everything right, and I would be infinitely patient. It is harder with someone who looks like a young adult, but the same patience is necessary.
I don’t have the answers, but I can tell you some things that we are doing.
Take a break. My wife and I try to find times to get away – for dinner, a walk, overnight, visiting friends. We need the perspective and the respite. Our relationship is at stake.
Taking our cues from him. When he is willing to engage (even saying hello when we pick him up, say), we feel glad. When he isn’t willing, we don’t push it. We ask him to participate in household chores (walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, etc.), but we don’t lose it when he doesn’t comply. Sometimes he does, and we celebrate that. Our expectations have become very low: Is he eating? Good. Is he safe? Good. Is he going to school (not neecessarily to class, even just to the building)? Good. Everything else is a bonus.
Going for counselling. He refuses to go to a counsellor, doctor, or any other intervention, but we still do. Sounds like you are also doing this. We have found it essential.
Patience. We think he may get past this. Most people do. Even if they go through a lot of things in life, more often than not, kids grow into themselves eventually. We try not to overreact, judge, or push things. The status quo is better than most of the alternatives in our case.
Please don’t listen to judgemental people trying to tell you that you are the whole problem. Of course you are all part of it – that’s the nature of relationships, but this is bigger than that.
We are in the middle of this, just like you, so I can’t predict how it will turn out. Hold on and keep trying. Good luck!
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Thanks for the book lead. I’ll give it a read immediately.
Follow up question, how do we parent someone who needs the help but makes it a traumatic issue every step of the way? Like they give me nothing to work with, but feel that I’m expected to make sure they’re awake in the morning because “my friends parents wake them up and it’s not a bid deal”
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My 16-year-old son has a similar background and behaviour. In spite of our constant support, non-judgement and patience, we get only rude, sullen responses, tantrums, and zero cooperation. Thank you for sharing your story because it shows I’m not the only one going through this. It feels like hell.
We try not to take the bait when he initiates conflict. We also face high expectations from him in terms of looking after his needs and wants (rides, spending money, feeding him) with nothing but ingratitude and grief in return. We keep catering to him because we feel like that’s the only way to stay connected. He is testing us and perhaps wants us to reject him.
We also want to make sure he has safe transportation, a decent diet, and so on. Sometimes I imagine that he is so incredibly conflicted and absorbed by his internal struggles that he doesn’t actually have anything left for other people or his own basic needs. That helps a bit.
A commenter mentioned that this all sounds like 4-year-old behaviour. I think it literally is: my kid’s emotional state is like that of a very young child. I wouldn’t expect a 4-year-old to get everything right, and I would be infinitely patient. It is harder with someone who looks like a young adult, but the same patience is necessary.
I don’t have the answers, but I can tell you some things that we are doing.
Take a break. My wife and I try to find times to get away – for dinner, a walk, overnight, visiting friends. We need the perspective and the respite. Our relationship is at stake.
Taking our cues from him. When he is willing to engage (even saying hello when we pick him up, say), we feel glad. When he isn’t willing, we don’t push it. We ask him to participate in household chores (walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, etc.), but we don’t lose it when he doesn’t comply. Sometimes he does, and we celebrate that. Our expectations have become very low: Is he eating? Good. Is he safe? Good. Is he going to school (not neecessarily to class, even just to the building)? Good. Everything else is a bonus.
Going for counselling. He refuses to go to a counsellor, doctor, or any other intervention, but we still do. Sounds like you are also doing this. We have found it essential.
Patience. We think he may get past this. Most people do. Even if they go through a lot of things in life, more often than not, kids grow into themselves eventually. We try not to overreact, judge, or push things. The status quo is better than most of the alternatives in our case.
Please don’t listen to judgemental people trying to tell you that you are the whole problem. Of course you are all part of it – that’s the nature of relationships, but this is bigger than that.
We are in the middle of this, just like you, so I can’t predict how it will turn out. Hold on and keep trying. Good luck!
Hugs and high fives. Hang in there.