If there were Lemmy gold, this comment would deserve it. This is spot-on. I work with children OP’s child’s age, all of whom are on the autism spectrum, and everything said here are techniques I use on a daily basis. From encouraging their agency, to providing forced choices (like the advice at the park of choosing either X or Y), to encouraging them to “help” you instead of telling them the thing is something they have to do.

There’s not much I can add here, just keep up with the praise when he does something you want him to do. Like with lifting something, sometimes I have a kid who doesn’t want to do something like carry their own backpack. They might say, “It’s heavy,” but when they do carry it I go, “Wow, look at how strong you are!” Or after they carry it and they put it down where it belongs, I say, “Show me those big muscles!” and do the arm-flex thing so they’ll imitate me.

Overall, it’s a long process. Change won’t happen overnight. It requires being aware of what you’re saying and how you’re phrasing it, which can be difficult to adjust to, but not impossible. Either way, continuing with the steps you’re doing and following the advice in the comment above are a solid way to help your child follow through on such tasks.

One shouldn’t have to understand something to accept something. I don’t understand furries, but I still accept their validity.

Learning that early will make it easier when one’s older. I dated a guy who wouldn’t accept anything unless he personally understood it, and it made me feel like I had to defend myself whenever I shared an experience that he couldn’t comprehend. One time he wanted to wear a costume that was too small on him and highlighted his junk very prominently… when we were going to a Halloween event at a home for abused girls. Apparently the idea that showing off his junk might be inappropriate in that situation was incomprehensible to him, and after fruitless arguing, I did something I never thought I’d have to do - I told my partner what he wasn’t allowed to wear. I just put my foot down, said he’s not going dressed like that, and he finally relented.

There are a lot of things any given human will never understand. The important lesson is that even if we don’t like and don’t understand something, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or worth disregarding.

Incorporate it as a lesson on boundaries. If something belongs to someone and they don’t want to share it, that should be respected.

There doesn’t need to be an explanation beyond that. The more a kid is taught about boundaries, the easier it’ll become. The kid’s boundaries should also be respected when they state them (provided that the relevant situation is safe, of course.)

I’m not a parent, but I work a job where I teach boundaries to kids every day. My students are all on the autism spectrum, with different skill levels for pretty much everything. The kids have to learn not to touch other people. They have to learn that they can’t eat another kid’s snack. They have to learn that if someone else brings in a toy from home, it’s okay if they can’t have a turn with it. There are a lot of things we teach, and no two kids have the same programs, but boundaries are taught to everyone. “I need space” is a common phrase to hear.

Alternatively:

Offer the kid something else. Pick two other things they like and offer a choice between them. Say something like, “This drink is Mommy’s/Daddy’s, but I can give you some Tic Tacs or a piggy-back ride to the car instead.” Or whatever the kid likes and you’re able to give them. It’s not going to be foolproof, but it does help assuage the sense that they’re missing out on something that Mommy/Daddy gets to have.

I’ve heard this argument before, and it has a point. At the same time, I wouldn’t want my kid to think they can’t trust me. I certainly stopped trusting adults who blatantly lied to me as a child. Best case scenario, I’d figure they’re unreliable and not worth listening to. Worst case scenario, I’d resent them and it would color my behavior towards them. I wasn’t always peaceful.

In the end, I think it varies kid-to-kid and by context. I can see the value in lying in order to teach a kid to be skeptical, like by stating something clearly illogical so as to make them question it. I can also see the value in “little white lies” that help protect kids or keep them from age-inappropriate information. I can see some kids adapting well and catching on to what you’re trying to teach. I can also see kids that expect honesty, feeling extremely hurt when they realize someone they trust has been dishonest. I can even see it being a traumatizing event.

I’d hope that anyone who makes the decision to lie to kids will keep all that in mind. Unfortunately, I imagine more people using this excuse the same way the uncle who threw you into a pool said they’re “teaching you how to swim.” It can easily just be a way to do something awful, and I doubt most people have the tact or follow-through to ensure a lesson is actually taught.

Just some food for thought.

My nephew was so disappointed when he looked into my fridge. What, raw vegetables and water aren’t good enough for you?

Bluey is such a fantastic show.

While we’re on the topic of series that are good for kids’ resiliency, I’d like to give a shout out to the Pete the Cat books. He doesn’t let minor things get him down, and whether it’s mud on his new shoes or buttons flying off his clothes, he handles things with a cool, calm nature. Nothing rattles Pete the Cat.

I helped raise my sibling’s young twins. One slept fine. The other wanted cuddles and would erupt in crying moments after being put down.

The hardest days were when they got a little older, and we were trying to accustom the cuddler to falling asleep alone. I’d bring the baby monitor to the basement and wait out the crying. It sucked, but there really is no other way.

Thank goodness his brother was able to sleep through it most of the time.