Kids that age are not in touch with the “why” behind their feelings. Hell, adults my age aren’t really so good at that either. Our kids mirror us, and if neither your nor your partner feel comfortable in public your kiddo may feel like they feel the same.

In my experience with my two (8 and 3.5), I try to get them to tell me:

• what they are feeling - how does your body feel? Is it hot, tight, lots of energy, hurty, like you’re sick? How does your heart feel? Is it achy, nervous?
• when are they feeling it - “hey bud, next time you feel that can you please tell me so I know? I want to help but I don’t always see it.”
• who is around when they feel it - maybe they have some less good interactions with kids or grown up’s (not necessarily inappropriate just not good for them)

Then you get some information about what causes this to feel that way, and that can be more helpful than what they think is the cause.

I have friends who swear by token systems (stars, tickets, etc.) never been a huge fan myself, the kids start to respond to the incentive more than the behavior. But your mileage may vary.

Hitting is hard. It’s very developmentally appropriate but emotionally charged. I do not mind being hit, but my wife absolutely cannot take being hit by our kids (understandably!). Sometimes she has to remove herself from the situation because her response is (again, understandably) emotional. I find that my kids need to be told what the right behavior is in that moment - to them hitting isn’t necessarily as weighty or impactful as it is to an adult. It’s just a way the feel to express their emotions, and I see it as my job to teach them other, better ways instead

I have not found punishments to work with my 3.5 year old. She doesn’t connect her actions with consequences, especially if they are delayed like “if you don’t brush your teeth there’s no book before bed.” We don’t hit our kids and you shouldn’t either, so the only immediate consequences are removal like “if you don’t stop hitting your brother with that ball peen hammer I will take it and put it away.”

Instead what I’ve found useful for my kid is telling, not asking. For instance bed times have been a serious struggle for weeks with her. My wife negotiated and discusses - explaining ourselves, that it’s time for bed, and why, has worked before. But not now. Instead we have a firm routine - bath, brush teeth, one book, one song, kiss on the head, love you, goodnight. Then I spend the next 5-40 minutes standing outside her door. When she comes out or gets up, I don’t argue or engage. “It’s bed time sweetie, goodnight I love you” forehead kiss, bed.

Night one she’s kicking and screaming for 45 minutes. Night 2 was 20, last night was 5. It’s not neglect or ignoring her, just being very clear and direct. It’s bed time. Goodnight. “I wanna ask momma a queeeeeeestiooooooooon” it’s bed time. Goodnight.

“It’s NOT bed time!” Same answer

So far so good, but routine has worked better than punishment IME

Specifically for hitting and hurting we’ve found redirection works. With my older son, when he was about that age, we would tell him “when we feel like hitting, we hug instead.” That helped to give him a physical action and redirect his emotions. With our daughter, again, we’ve just been very firm. “We NEVER touch other people like that.” And we disengage. Escalation makes it worse and again, punishment doesn’t really help. So we try to teach them the rules “we NEVER touch people like that” and the correct behavior “and when we do, we need to tell them we are sorry.”