Our 6-year old has been having problems, socially, or so she says. I’m not sure whether to believe it’s as severe as she says, because we just threw a birthday party and she was very much the center of attention for the kids that were able to make it, and well, the limitations of her age.
But when she has mentioned it, she gets very emotional and says something to the effect that her friends don’t want to play with her; she’s made mention of it a few times.
The problem is, as her father, I’ve been antisocial my entire life, and her mom’s not much of a social butterfly, either. And I feel unequipped and powerless in how to guide her.
Any advice for a way forward would be appreciated more than I could ever convey.
Encourage her to get other kids to talk about themselves. Tell her it’s okay to just sit nearby (parallel play). It may take a hike but they’ll probably try to include her eventually (maybe not the same day).
Once she gets interaction, tell her “I don’t like that” (being specific is better, but if you’re emotional, “that” is fine) works way better than “please stop” since it eliminates any power struggle when there’s a disagreement. Other statements like “May I have a turn?” are helpful. Most six year olds understand taking turns if it’s explicitly stated.
I’ve been in similar situations with my children. Parents can’t be experts in everything, no matter how much we wish we could.
The evidence that you are a great parent is in caring and realizing when you are out of your area of familiar expertise, then seeking input to close that need.
The right thing to do is reach out to a professional or 2 and get multiple opinions, then weigh those opinions up with the child you know and love. Decide from there on what is a good course of action. An outside opinion often helps us with blind spots, but get more than one if you can.
Kids that age are not in touch with the “why” behind their feelings. Hell, adults my age aren’t really so good at that either. Our kids mirror us, and if neither your nor your partner feel comfortable in public your kiddo may feel like they feel the same.
In my experience with my two (8 and 3.5), I try to get them to tell me:
what they are feeling - how does your body feel? Is it hot, tight, lots of energy, hurty, like you’re sick? How does your heart feel? Is it achy, nervous?
when are they feeling it - “hey bud, next time you feel that can you please tell me so I know? I want to help but I don’t always see it.”
who is around when they feel it - maybe they have some less good interactions with kids or grown up’s (not necessarily inappropriate just not good for them)
Then you get some information about what causes this to feel that way, and that can be more helpful than what they think is the cause.
The most powerful thing you can do as a parent is set an example. Not so much in how you socialize with others necessarily, but how you socialize within the family. This sets norms of behavior that your children will model in their interactions with others.
Sometimes its just learning to negotiate. My son is slightly older. When he wasnyoinger he’d conplainnthat his friends didn’t want to play. On further questioning, it was that they wanted to play their game and he wanted to play his. He didn’t see a need to compromise or take turns or try other peoples games. He’s still a bit stubborn but now gets that other kids have different likes and desires to him.
Often learning some social skills in playgrounds without usual friends is good. Its low stakes and good practice ground for trying to make friends and try new things. If it doesn’t go well, they never see them again. If it does, they can use the skills with their existing friends.
I’m running into something similar with one of my kids (who is around the same age as your daughter). He’s started throwing the term “bullying” around left, right and center.
Just at a sports game today he said the coach was bullying him. I literally watched the interaction 20 seconds before he said that, and the coach was telling him sternly that he needed to play in a certain position. He said it pretty nicely to. He just had to get stern because my son want listening. The way my son put it you’d have thought the coach was smacking him around and taunting him.
So my advice is to try to observe the interactions your daughter is having first hand. Because it’s possible she’s misreading it exaggerating them. And that’s a whole nother issue.
You are not logged in. However you can subscribe from another Fediverse account, for example Lemmy or Mastodon. To do this, paste the following into the search field of your instance: !parenting@lemmy.world
Encourage her to get other kids to talk about themselves. Tell her it’s okay to just sit nearby (parallel play). It may take a hike but they’ll probably try to include her eventually (maybe not the same day).
Once she gets interaction, tell her “I don’t like that” (being specific is better, but if you’re emotional, “that” is fine) works way better than “please stop” since it eliminates any power struggle when there’s a disagreement. Other statements like “May I have a turn?” are helpful. Most six year olds understand taking turns if it’s explicitly stated.
I’ve been in similar situations with my children. Parents can’t be experts in everything, no matter how much we wish we could.
The evidence that you are a great parent is in caring and realizing when you are out of your area of familiar expertise, then seeking input to close that need.
The right thing to do is reach out to a professional or 2 and get multiple opinions, then weigh those opinions up with the child you know and love. Decide from there on what is a good course of action. An outside opinion often helps us with blind spots, but get more than one if you can.
Kids that age are not in touch with the “why” behind their feelings. Hell, adults my age aren’t really so good at that either. Our kids mirror us, and if neither your nor your partner feel comfortable in public your kiddo may feel like they feel the same.
In my experience with my two (8 and 3.5), I try to get them to tell me:
Then you get some information about what causes this to feel that way, and that can be more helpful than what they think is the cause.
Therapy. I’m a big fan.
The most powerful thing you can do as a parent is set an example. Not so much in how you socialize with others necessarily, but how you socialize within the family. This sets norms of behavior that your children will model in their interactions with others.
Sometimes its just learning to negotiate. My son is slightly older. When he wasnyoinger he’d conplainnthat his friends didn’t want to play. On further questioning, it was that they wanted to play their game and he wanted to play his. He didn’t see a need to compromise or take turns or try other peoples games. He’s still a bit stubborn but now gets that other kids have different likes and desires to him.
Often learning some social skills in playgrounds without usual friends is good. Its low stakes and good practice ground for trying to make friends and try new things. If it doesn’t go well, they never see them again. If it does, they can use the skills with their existing friends.
I’m running into something similar with one of my kids (who is around the same age as your daughter). He’s started throwing the term “bullying” around left, right and center.
Just at a sports game today he said the coach was bullying him. I literally watched the interaction 20 seconds before he said that, and the coach was telling him sternly that he needed to play in a certain position. He said it pretty nicely to. He just had to get stern because my son want listening. The way my son put it you’d have thought the coach was smacking him around and taunting him.
So my advice is to try to observe the interactions your daughter is having first hand. Because it’s possible she’s misreading it exaggerating them. And that’s a whole nother issue.