Nice, thank you so much! I’ll give those a watch

This is amazing! I know you said you saw the initial video 10 years ago, but do you think you could share any resources that helped you put this together? I’ve got my own stash of plastic bags that could be put to use :)

That is so awesome, I’m glad you’re in therapy and working on yourself. It’s hard to unlearn those toxic behaviors. I’m expecting my first and am trying to find one for myself; my biggest fear is treating mine like I was treated because it’s the only parenting model I know. Thankfully my spouse comes from a much more loving environment and has helped me so much just by being an example of how a supportive family should function.

Wishing you and your family the best

Please realize, you’re accusing them of being like this since they were 5 years old. They were barely more than a baby. Of course they’re going to lie, they were a little kid. Of course they weren’t going to follow your rules to a T, they were a little kid. They had no ulterior motives, and yet you’ve completely demonized them as if they did. Since they were FIVE dude.

You’re speaking of them like they are 35 and you’ve been dealing with their shit for 13 years, but they were only 4 or 5 when you too them in. You’ve been raising a child that you’ve been treating as if they’re a monster and are shocked that they don’t respect or like you very much.

Yes, I am aware that you didn’t use the word “fucking” before calling them a sociopath. That was my own emphasis on not being able to believe that you’d rather believe that of your child instead of having empathy for them. I think you’re trying to hide behind breaking everything down to seem very logical to try and rationalize your actions/behavior towards your child over the years.

Again, as a child that came from a similar environment, if you have any wish of salvaging this relationship, I would focus heavily on some introspection and accountability, and hope they’d be willing to accept some sort of apology in the future. I really wouldn’t be surprised if they were angry at you for a long time.

I think there’s a lot that you aren’t telling us. You seem to focus a lot on their behavior and on the behavior of their mother (who isn’t in the picture, is that right?), but are not giving much of a description of how you or your partner behave towards them, beyond the forceful adjectives like ‘push’, ‘press’, and ‘drill’. That’s a huge element, as it takes two to tango in relationships.

You also speak of them in extremely derogatory terms like “getting them off their ass” or “not letting them freeload like their deadbeat bio mom” or calling them a fucking sociopath??? I can only imagine that they pick up on that lack of respect for them and respond accordingly. Kids aren’t stupid.

It seems like you have a lot of unresolved issues that you might be taking out on them and if possible I would echo the other commentor recommending therapy—but for YOU, as an individual.

This could have been written about me by the parents I do not speak to anymore.

I can’t answer the ‘when’ part—that’s so individual that I’m not sure anyone has that answer for you and your specific situation. However, I can tell you how I finally decided that I did want them after being either a hard-no to fence-sitter in my early/mid twenties.

For me, it came down to what would I say if my kid ever looked at how horrible the world is, then looked back at me and asked “Why did you decide to have kids with everything the way it is?” For a while, I didn’t have a good answer because, well, gestures widely at everything

But then for some reason something shifted and I came to a different conclusion. There are a lot of horrible people in this world, and I want to help put good people back into it.

It probably helps that my husband is the most amazing, kind person I’ve ever met, from an incredibly loving and supportive family. I never had that growing up (I don’t even talk to my parents), and for the longest time I didn’t want to pass on any residual toxicity. But he has been wonderful in showing me a better way and that also made me really excited to start a family with him specifically. I’m so excited that my kids get to grow up having his family as theirs, as well. They’ll have the love and support I never got and I’m proud to pass on that kind of legacy instead of my own family’s.

I’m rambling now, but I hope some of that was helpful at least.