Yes that’s it for a while. Just be kind and gentle to it and to each other. It goes so fucking fast man. I have tears welling up because my last just turned 5 and so that part is gone forever. They’re just a lump. But they are a delicate, rapidly growing lump that is purely absorbing one thing, how you treat it.
The only advice I can give is that it’s 100% better to have it cry on its own for 5 minutes than for your exhausted brain to lose its temper with a shit-producing potato. Look after yourself too. We evolved to have ten other people around who would hold the baby when you needed a break.
The fact that you care this much is a decent sign that you’re doing great.
Your job right now is just to keep the kid alive and comfortable. Be present, be kind, and in time give him opportunities for enrichment. Make sure mom is doing well day-to-day. And don’t forget to take care of yourself; you’re no good to anyone if you’re a wreck.
Don’t hesitate to meet with a lactation consultant if breastfeeding isn’t going smoothly. It can be a real struggle for mom and kid alike. And don’t worry if you have to use a bottle or even switch to formula for some reason; your kid will be okay.
The feeding issue seems like it’s probably just newborn lazyness/lack of muscle still and bottles are easier, but tongue ties, lip ties, and muscle strains are all incredibly common in babies and can make suction much harder. If your wife is dedicated to breastfeeding then you could go to a lactation consultant now if you want, but if that’s difficult you can definitely keep offering nipples at most feedings and then supplement with a bottle. Not sustainable forever but will help the baby start developing the right muscles and energy for proper latch suction. If the problem persists then a lactation consult would be a good next step.
Hang in there, it’s a tough few weeks with a tiny human who doesn’t know how to live yet! Things change quickly though so what seems impossible today may well be routine in a week.
TL;DR Check if they have full neck mobility and didn’t get too strained in the birth (if natural), and if they have a tongue tie sooner rather than later.
Loads of other advice here and falling sleep on the breast sounds like a comfort thing but I’ll share some recent experience on feeding issues just in case.
Baby had a mild tongue tie, fed on the breast the first few feeds weirdly enough but after then they would get frustrated as they couldn’t latch properly.
We had a lot of luck with silicone nipple shields as instructed by the midwife, which helped with latching but no luck retiring them, so they became permanent for a while (they’re recommended as temporary).
Even after that we still experienced a lot of fussing and stress with feeding which put a lot of pressure on my SO for the same reasons you mention.
Doctor recommended we go to an osteopath to get their neck and back massaged because getting squeezed out during birth had put a lot of pressure on the neck and restricted turning the head which also caused feeding issues. After this their tongue was a lot more mobile and feeding got a lot easier because they use their tongue to support latching.
Unfortunately this was already 2 months in and they were pretty hooked on nipple shields/bottle feeding at this point so they were still stressed about natural breast feeding which felt like it was a lost cause to go back.
Finally after lots of back and forth with different opinions from medical professionals, lactation consultants etc the agreement was that the baby had a mild tongue tie and we decided to get the frenulum cut/lasered which gave more tongue mobility but at this point the baby seems to have forgotten that milk comes from the breast so after almost 5 months we have just stuck with bottle feeding and pumping.
I’d suggest ruling these out ASAP as it was pretty stressful and especially left my SO with feelings of inadequacy not being able to breastfeed. Hope it helps.
It’s normal, at the beginning they’re just machines that transform milk into piss and shit. That will change, you’ll get your share of having to entertain your kid.
As for the breastfeeding, she has to persevere (if she wants to, that is), there’s nothing else to do. If you’ve checked that there are no physical issues preventing the breastfeeding, there’s literally no other way to make it a habit. This is new not only for the mother, but for the kid as well. No one likes changes, especially if it’s literally the first big change of your life. There’s some getting used to for all sides.
As for the anxiousness, I don’t think I’ve met a woman who thinks she’s doing okay during the first weeks. All of them were in fact doing very well, but reality and our perception of it don’t often go hand in hand. The hormone amounts doing stuff in her body right now are massive, she’s gonna be a little crazy for the first ~6 weeks. And your reassurances do help, just don’t expect miracles, she simply knows she’s doing it wrong.
Human startup runs for like 13-24 months depending on the human. There are a few apps that can help give you an idea on where they are at developmentally, but just keep the thing fed and changed and slept. That’s it. About age 2.5-5 is when you can start to shove stuff into their brains, but before that, they just need to be fed and watered and loved.
There is nipple cream to help with the skin. And pumping to build up a milk supply and to keep milk flowing is totally normal.
Really those first 0-12 to 24 months is just their brain learning how to move the body parts, the brain learning how to interpret what they’re getting from sensory inputs, etc. It probably really doesn’t matter what music you’re playing to them. Keep them clean, fed, slept, nurtured and you’re good for most of it. Personality doesn’t really start to emerge until 3-5.
There’s a lot of great advice and reassurance in here already. It sounds like you’re doing all right to me too.
A more uncommon suggestion that fits in here is that we see evidence that reading to kids no matter the age, yes even this young has benefits later in life. Your local library may have a 1,000 books before kindergarten program (they are pretty common) and it’s never too early to enroll.
You’re doing great. The fact that you care and are worried about screwing up speak volumes.
Babies are lazy. Milk doesn’t come instantly. It takes a little work on their side to trigger a letdown. Bottles are immediate. A lactation consultant may help, not sure if that’s already something you’ve tried. Some babies have a terrible latch so it can be super painful for the breastfeeding parent. There are tongue ties and there are lip ties. Both of my kiddos had mild lip ties that didn’t cause pain most of the time. The site kellymom was super helpful to me in the early weeks. Just ignore the super strict stance on BF-only. Just go for the tips.
Your wife is doing great. Do things for her, don’t just ask her what she needs and do it. Do things proactively. Bring her water, snacks, a blanket, etc.
My daughter is 1 year old now and I still remember how my wife and I took care of her. Baby at this age just need to sleep a lot to grow. You can sing or do what you’re good at to stimulate him as you described of course, but you shouldn’t be annoyed when he seems not listening because the period when he is awake is not very long at a time. We just used black and white cards to practise her eye tracking ability meanwhile train her neck muscle. And we let her grab one of our fingers to practise her strength of her fingers which complied with the nature pattern of baby’s growth.
When he crys suddenly, you shall check if he has pee-pee or poo-poo simply by smelling, looking at the color indicator on the diaper, and check his diaper as well if needed. His awareness of the body is developing, he might not feel comfortable when he pees or poos, so stay alert whenever you hear him cry or see him kicking his legs.
As for feeding, I totally understand why you and your wife is anxious. But please, do your best to comfort your wife and tell her that she is doing amazingly good, don’t force it too hard. And most importantly, build her confidence that she can do breast feeding as she wants to. I really believe that when your wife and you calm down, your kid will sense parents’ emotions. You know, every kid is unique and different, maybe your kid acts a little lazy when sucking milk from his mom, but do give him and your wife more patience.
My wife was quite anxious that she might not generate enough milk to do the breast feeding before giving birth, but one hour our daughter was born, she found all her previous worries were just nonsense.
Be patient, you and your wife will do better and better as you practise more.
One of my kids would fall asleep while nursing as well but keep sucking in his sleep!
But hey you found what works for you (see forewarnig).
For the first 2 weeks (at least) yeah that’s all they do: eat, sleep, fill diapers. However it’s never too early to have some cuddle/play time. Gentle caresses all over, like a light massage, especially after bath time with some oil maybe.
Singing (or even just talking to them) is great as you’ll soon start to see them reacting to your voice.
As you’ll surely know their eyesight is not great at the beginning, but you will notice when they get more alert of their surrounding.
Skin to skin contact also is a great way to make them happy.
Apart for that, it’s way too soon to start worrying about “let’s not make a dick of this human”.
I recommend a book called “wonder weeks”, and once you have recovered from sleep deprivation, “raising boys”.
BUT EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT, so don’t take them as the absolute truth, more like guidelines and food for thought.
Maybe get him some sensory toys, it’s a great way for them to start learning to explore stuff.
And finally, remember that kids learn by copying what they see. A lot of kids grow messed up because unfortunately they come from messed up situations.
He WILL make you mad and angry. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion, you need to be able to breathe and recognize what you’re angry at. And you can tell them, and also that you need a minute to calm down. If they see you dealing with strong emotions in a healthy way they’ll learn too (but also they WILL make you made on purpose as they learn boundaries by pushing them. Yes, they are little sociopaths).
There’s ton more stuff of course but the fact that you care and you’re concerned is already a good step. We all mess up in some way, but being able to put your ego aside and say sorry to them is a big thing. Don’t feel like you should always know the answers, we all make it up as we go!
You pretty much keep the poop machine alive for a year or so.
The advice for mom, or for you to communicate to mom, is that the anxiety is absolutely normal and not something to be afraid or ashamed of. They birthed a kid. If they formula-bottle-fed only from here out they’d still be nothing close to a failure.
A fed baby is the ‘ideal’, nothing to do with the source or method.
When my 1st child was born all she did was sleep. Like 18hrs or more a day. We took her to the pediatrician because we thought something was wrong. He literally laughed at us and said enjoy it while it lasts. He was right. That sleep stage only lasted a few weeks. After that the child never slept again. 11 years later and she is still awake.
At this stage, truly and seriously be glad and grateful for those long sleeps and naps.
I had a ton of trouble with milk, and my baby had absolutely no interest in latching, so we did bottles supplemented with formula from day 1. There’s a perk to using the bottle, in that you, the non-nursing partner get that good 1 on 1 feeding time too. Mama can sleep and pump on her schedule, not baby’s. Consider it a blessing. If kiddo is feeding and gaining weight, you’re doing it right. As others said, fed is best.
For the first four months babies are basically Sims with four “needs” bars. They cry if they’re hungry, need to burp or their tummy is upset, if they’re lonely or if they’re dirty. They make pretty distinct faces and signals you can follow to see what they need, and you’ll get to know your kid and what those signals look like.
As far as having a smart kiddo, I recommend you try teaching them simple sign language. We started teaching our kid signs for things when he was about 5 months old, like “more”, “hungry”, “thirsty” etc and he picked up on it and started using his own signs and sounds to communicate with us when he was about 8-10 months old. It was invaluable to be able to understand and communicate with him and helped us bond and build trust very early.
There’s a lot of guff and hot air about how to make your baby smarter, but one thing that’s been consistently proven to give positive results is reading to them. Read to them from day 1 whenever you have the opportunity. Its good bonding time and they learn so much from hearing an illustrated story. My kid and I used to play “find the x” style games with the pictures on the page and he showed me he knew what an armadillo was, or a combine harvester was before he was 2, because he could point to the appropriate pictures. I never dumbed down or lessen my vocabulary with him either, and he’s proven that he’s a sponge for words.
Book recommendations:
How to speak so children will listen, and how to listen so children will speak. Some parts are dated but there are some extremely valuable tips and ideas in there too
Precious Little Sleep, Zubief, it’s a very relatable read for helping sleep train your baby when you get to that point.
Am I doing it wrong or is this it for a while until he can stay awake while changed and fed? Is it normal? I feel like I’m just drugging a child to sleep.
This is it. The entire goal is to keep this kid alive while he eats and grows. All the pressure to make sure the kids not a dipshit is irrelevant at this stage. He doesn’t understand that he has hands yet, let alone doing math.
As for the bottle feeding, it seems to be fine. Apparently only about 8% of infants in the US ONLY feed directly from the breast. (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8476436/)
But I only searched for it in kagi with the academic filter and spent at most 5 minutes reading, so don’t trust me there.
For the anxiety, there might be local baby groups that deal with that. It may be worth checking with a lactation specialist to see if they know of the resources.
As for the kiddo, right now they are in what I call hungry potato mode. Eventually they will start to smile at things and then mobilize. Once they start smiling, then you can start feeling out their personality, which will change shortly after you figure them out. Once mobile, more time with more babies to socialize is good.
Edit on the baby groups: it’s also a good place to talk to other moms in similar but different boats.
You are not logged in. However you can subscribe from another Fediverse account, for example Lemmy or Mastodon. To do this, paste the following into the search field of your instance: !parenting@lemmy.world
Yes that’s it for a while. Just be kind and gentle to it and to each other. It goes so fucking fast man. I have tears welling up because my last just turned 5 and so that part is gone forever. They’re just a lump. But they are a delicate, rapidly growing lump that is purely absorbing one thing, how you treat it.
The only advice I can give is that it’s 100% better to have it cry on its own for 5 minutes than for your exhausted brain to lose its temper with a shit-producing potato. Look after yourself too. We evolved to have ten other people around who would hold the baby when you needed a break.
The fact that you care this much is a decent sign that you’re doing great.
Your job right now is just to keep the kid alive and comfortable. Be present, be kind, and in time give him opportunities for enrichment. Make sure mom is doing well day-to-day. And don’t forget to take care of yourself; you’re no good to anyone if you’re a wreck.
Don’t hesitate to meet with a lactation consultant if breastfeeding isn’t going smoothly. It can be a real struggle for mom and kid alike. And don’t worry if you have to use a bottle or even switch to formula for some reason; your kid will be okay.
The feeding issue seems like it’s probably just newborn lazyness/lack of muscle still and bottles are easier, but tongue ties, lip ties, and muscle strains are all incredibly common in babies and can make suction much harder. If your wife is dedicated to breastfeeding then you could go to a lactation consultant now if you want, but if that’s difficult you can definitely keep offering nipples at most feedings and then supplement with a bottle. Not sustainable forever but will help the baby start developing the right muscles and energy for proper latch suction. If the problem persists then a lactation consult would be a good next step.
Hang in there, it’s a tough few weeks with a tiny human who doesn’t know how to live yet! Things change quickly though so what seems impossible today may well be routine in a week.
TL;DR Check if they have full neck mobility and didn’t get too strained in the birth (if natural), and if they have a tongue tie sooner rather than later.
https://www.nct.org.uk/information/baby-toddler/feeding-your-baby-or-toddler/tongue-tie-babies
Loads of other advice here and falling sleep on the breast sounds like a comfort thing but I’ll share some recent experience on feeding issues just in case.
Baby had a mild tongue tie, fed on the breast the first few feeds weirdly enough but after then they would get frustrated as they couldn’t latch properly.
We had a lot of luck with silicone nipple shields as instructed by the midwife, which helped with latching but no luck retiring them, so they became permanent for a while (they’re recommended as temporary).
Even after that we still experienced a lot of fussing and stress with feeding which put a lot of pressure on my SO for the same reasons you mention.
Doctor recommended we go to an osteopath to get their neck and back massaged because getting squeezed out during birth had put a lot of pressure on the neck and restricted turning the head which also caused feeding issues. After this their tongue was a lot more mobile and feeding got a lot easier because they use their tongue to support latching.
Unfortunately this was already 2 months in and they were pretty hooked on nipple shields/bottle feeding at this point so they were still stressed about natural breast feeding which felt like it was a lost cause to go back.
Finally after lots of back and forth with different opinions from medical professionals, lactation consultants etc the agreement was that the baby had a mild tongue tie and we decided to get the frenulum cut/lasered which gave more tongue mobility but at this point the baby seems to have forgotten that milk comes from the breast so after almost 5 months we have just stuck with bottle feeding and pumping.
I’d suggest ruling these out ASAP as it was pretty stressful and especially left my SO with feelings of inadequacy not being able to breastfeed. Hope it helps.
It’s normal, at the beginning they’re just machines that transform milk into piss and shit. That will change, you’ll get your share of having to entertain your kid.
As for the breastfeeding, she has to persevere (if she wants to, that is), there’s nothing else to do. If you’ve checked that there are no physical issues preventing the breastfeeding, there’s literally no other way to make it a habit. This is new not only for the mother, but for the kid as well. No one likes changes, especially if it’s literally the first big change of your life. There’s some getting used to for all sides.
As for the anxiousness, I don’t think I’ve met a woman who thinks she’s doing okay during the first weeks. All of them were in fact doing very well, but reality and our perception of it don’t often go hand in hand. The hormone amounts doing stuff in her body right now are massive, she’s gonna be a little crazy for the first ~6 weeks. And your reassurances do help, just don’t expect miracles, she simply knows she’s doing it wrong.
Human startup runs for like 13-24 months depending on the human. There are a few apps that can help give you an idea on where they are at developmentally, but just keep the thing fed and changed and slept. That’s it. About age 2.5-5 is when you can start to shove stuff into their brains, but before that, they just need to be fed and watered and loved.
There is nipple cream to help with the skin. And pumping to build up a milk supply and to keep milk flowing is totally normal.
Really those first 0-12 to 24 months is just their brain learning how to move the body parts, the brain learning how to interpret what they’re getting from sensory inputs, etc. It probably really doesn’t matter what music you’re playing to them. Keep them clean, fed, slept, nurtured and you’re good for most of it. Personality doesn’t really start to emerge until 3-5.
There’s a lot of great advice and reassurance in here already. It sounds like you’re doing all right to me too.
A more uncommon suggestion that fits in here is that we see evidence that reading to kids no matter the age, yes even this young has benefits later in life. Your local library may have a 1,000 books before kindergarten program (they are pretty common) and it’s never too early to enroll.
You’re doing great. The fact that you care and are worried about screwing up speak volumes.
Babies are lazy. Milk doesn’t come instantly. It takes a little work on their side to trigger a letdown. Bottles are immediate. A lactation consultant may help, not sure if that’s already something you’ve tried. Some babies have a terrible latch so it can be super painful for the breastfeeding parent. There are tongue ties and there are lip ties. Both of my kiddos had mild lip ties that didn’t cause pain most of the time. The site kellymom was super helpful to me in the early weeks. Just ignore the super strict stance on BF-only. Just go for the tips.
Your wife is doing great. Do things for her, don’t just ask her what she needs and do it. Do things proactively. Bring her water, snacks, a blanket, etc.
Man, you are just doing great.
My daughter is 1 year old now and I still remember how my wife and I took care of her. Baby at this age just need to sleep a lot to grow. You can sing or do what you’re good at to stimulate him as you described of course, but you shouldn’t be annoyed when he seems not listening because the period when he is awake is not very long at a time. We just used black and white cards to practise her eye tracking ability meanwhile train her neck muscle. And we let her grab one of our fingers to practise her strength of her fingers which complied with the nature pattern of baby’s growth.
When he crys suddenly, you shall check if he has pee-pee or poo-poo simply by smelling, looking at the color indicator on the diaper, and check his diaper as well if needed. His awareness of the body is developing, he might not feel comfortable when he pees or poos, so stay alert whenever you hear him cry or see him kicking his legs.
As for feeding, I totally understand why you and your wife is anxious. But please, do your best to comfort your wife and tell her that she is doing amazingly good, don’t force it too hard. And most importantly, build her confidence that she can do breast feeding as she wants to. I really believe that when your wife and you calm down, your kid will sense parents’ emotions. You know, every kid is unique and different, maybe your kid acts a little lazy when sucking milk from his mom, but do give him and your wife more patience.
My wife was quite anxious that she might not generate enough milk to do the breast feeding before giving birth, but one hour our daughter was born, she found all her previous worries were just nonsense.
Be patient, you and your wife will do better and better as you practise more.
Forewarnig of “every kid is different”, so ymmv.
One of my kids would fall asleep while nursing as well but keep sucking in his sleep! But hey you found what works for you (see forewarnig).
For the first 2 weeks (at least) yeah that’s all they do: eat, sleep, fill diapers. However it’s never too early to have some cuddle/play time. Gentle caresses all over, like a light massage, especially after bath time with some oil maybe. Singing (or even just talking to them) is great as you’ll soon start to see them reacting to your voice.
As you’ll surely know their eyesight is not great at the beginning, but you will notice when they get more alert of their surrounding.
Skin to skin contact also is a great way to make them happy.
Apart for that, it’s way too soon to start worrying about “let’s not make a dick of this human”.
I recommend a book called “wonder weeks”, and once you have recovered from sleep deprivation, “raising boys”. BUT EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT, so don’t take them as the absolute truth, more like guidelines and food for thought.
Maybe get him some sensory toys, it’s a great way for them to start learning to explore stuff.
And finally, remember that kids learn by copying what they see. A lot of kids grow messed up because unfortunately they come from messed up situations.
He WILL make you mad and angry. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion, you need to be able to breathe and recognize what you’re angry at. And you can tell them, and also that you need a minute to calm down. If they see you dealing with strong emotions in a healthy way they’ll learn too (but also they WILL make you made on purpose as they learn boundaries by pushing them. Yes, they are little sociopaths).
There’s ton more stuff of course but the fact that you care and you’re concerned is already a good step. We all mess up in some way, but being able to put your ego aside and say sorry to them is a big thing. Don’t feel like you should always know the answers, we all make it up as we go!
Congratulations and good luck!
I signed away my right to shake’em unfortunately. I just channel it all into making 3am digeridoo noises
Also because death by shaken baby syndrome is unfortunately a very common thing
You pretty much keep the poop machine alive for a year or so.
The advice for mom, or for you to communicate to mom, is that the anxiety is absolutely normal and not something to be afraid or ashamed of. They birthed a kid. If they formula-bottle-fed only from here out they’d still be nothing close to a failure. A fed baby is the ‘ideal’, nothing to do with the source or method.
When my 1st child was born all she did was sleep. Like 18hrs or more a day. We took her to the pediatrician because we thought something was wrong. He literally laughed at us and said enjoy it while it lasts. He was right. That sleep stage only lasted a few weeks. After that the child never slept again. 11 years later and she is still awake.
At this stage, truly and seriously be glad and grateful for those long sleeps and naps.
I had a ton of trouble with milk, and my baby had absolutely no interest in latching, so we did bottles supplemented with formula from day 1. There’s a perk to using the bottle, in that you, the non-nursing partner get that good 1 on 1 feeding time too. Mama can sleep and pump on her schedule, not baby’s. Consider it a blessing. If kiddo is feeding and gaining weight, you’re doing it right. As others said, fed is best.
For the first four months babies are basically Sims with four “needs” bars. They cry if they’re hungry, need to burp or their tummy is upset, if they’re lonely or if they’re dirty. They make pretty distinct faces and signals you can follow to see what they need, and you’ll get to know your kid and what those signals look like.
As far as having a smart kiddo, I recommend you try teaching them simple sign language. We started teaching our kid signs for things when he was about 5 months old, like “more”, “hungry”, “thirsty” etc and he picked up on it and started using his own signs and sounds to communicate with us when he was about 8-10 months old. It was invaluable to be able to understand and communicate with him and helped us bond and build trust very early.
There’s a lot of guff and hot air about how to make your baby smarter, but one thing that’s been consistently proven to give positive results is reading to them. Read to them from day 1 whenever you have the opportunity. Its good bonding time and they learn so much from hearing an illustrated story. My kid and I used to play “find the x” style games with the pictures on the page and he showed me he knew what an armadillo was, or a combine harvester was before he was 2, because he could point to the appropriate pictures. I never dumbed down or lessen my vocabulary with him either, and he’s proven that he’s a sponge for words.
Book recommendations:
How to speak so children will listen, and how to listen so children will speak. Some parts are dated but there are some extremely valuable tips and ideas in there too
Precious Little Sleep, Zubief, it’s a very relatable read for helping sleep train your baby when you get to that point.
This is it. The entire goal is to keep this kid alive while he eats and grows. All the pressure to make sure the kids not a dipshit is irrelevant at this stage. He doesn’t understand that he has hands yet, let alone doing math.
As for the bottle feeding, it seems to be fine. Apparently only about 8% of infants in the US ONLY feed directly from the breast. (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8476436/) But I only searched for it in kagi with the academic filter and spent at most 5 minutes reading, so don’t trust me there.
Fed is best.
For the anxiety, there might be local baby groups that deal with that. It may be worth checking with a lactation specialist to see if they know of the resources.
As for the kiddo, right now they are in what I call hungry potato mode. Eventually they will start to smile at things and then mobilize. Once they start smiling, then you can start feeling out their personality, which will change shortly after you figure them out. Once mobile, more time with more babies to socialize is good.
Edit on the baby groups: it’s also a good place to talk to other moms in similar but different boats.
Watch the bluey episode baby race.
That Bluey episode: “Maybe you just saw something you wanted” 😭