I have a 14 year old Maine Coon that is terminally ill and has a few weeks at best. Our son recently turned 4 years old and loves animals. We taught him to be kind to all animals, even bugs. He is not particularly attached to the cat, but he likes it well enough (the cat is not a cuddler).
In a few weeks we’ll have to go to the vet and have the cat put down. We’re wondering how we should approach this with our son. Do we take him with us? Do we let him be present when the cat is put to sleep? Or make him stay in the waiting area? Or do we go when he’s in school? What’s appropriate for a 4 year old?
On the one hand I think that death is a part of life. And I don’t mind that he sees us crying over the cat. But I also don’t want to traumatize him or make it bigger than it is.
My parenting philosophy is that to earn children’s trust, you must be truthful with them. Parents are also tasked with protecting children from too much pain. In practice, this means giving them the truth in a way they can process.
Tell them well in advance.
On the day let them hug the cat as it leaves. Tell them this will be the last time.
In the best case, they will be sad and angry. They might also be confused. Let them.
We had to put down our neighborhood conglomerate appropriately named Tuvix when my son was four. We didn’t do any of that paradise-farm-fairytale-BS. We were honest about why, and explained it to him.
Kids are resilient and adaptable, even if something sad happens. I find that honesty goes a long way.
He wasn’t present at the vet, we told him a after the fact (He knew that Tuvix was ill).
At 4yo mine were able to understand the finality… you dont need to great detail about death… but the temporary nature of life is not terribly hard to grasp. I was always of the mind that you should answer any question asked truthfully… but obviously age appropriate.
i always found i was making a bigger deal of %concept% than was necessary
also… its gunna suck… youre going to feel your own pain as well as theirs
We unfortunately had a more traumatic experience for our kids when my first cat, Luna, died. I found Luna in the basement under the workbench, unconscious and barely breathing. My wife held Luna in her lap while the kids (2 and 4 at the time) got to pet her and say goodbye. Luna died while we were all petting her. Our 4 year old was extremely upset for weeks after, and we ended up getting her a cat stuffy that looked like Luna to help her cope. Our younger kid has zero memory of it happening.
All of this is to say, I would not recommend having your 4 yo present, but do give him the chance to say goodbye in his own way and make sure he understands that your cat will be gone forever.
Serious tip: don’t traumatize your child by making it over the top traumatic and they’ll be fine!
Your instinct is correct, kids have an amazing grasp on life and death.
I had and have the same topic with my back then three year old. I won’t go into details but death is a topic for quite a while now.
Be open, be honest and don’t shy away from translating it to his level: If he had a favorite toy that got destroyed it’s an emotional connection he can make for example.
One important thing for me to point out though because it caught me as a shock: true empathy is impossible for a kid that age. Meaning: the chance is high that hell say something that will be completely out of the blue or shocking - expect it and don’t be too harsh please, even when he’ll manage to trigger something ❤️
I lost my nan when I was 10, older, but I was still a kid with kid level processing. All I wanted was someone to help me process what had happened, talk about it, so I could work through the feelings. Talk about her and all we did together to feel a connection in how I felt, both in enjoying her company, throughout the years and how empty it felt without her.
When our family cat died, I sat down outside with my kids, aged 8 and 11, and we painted offcuts of wood, in representations of her, and talked about all the joy she brought, the fun times, the silly things. Then we lit a fire to say goodbye and I bought the kids packets that turn colours in the flames and let them all throw one in each, while saying whatever they wanted, or nothing. It was a lovely afternoon. We kept all the paintings. They turned out beautifully.
The moment passes quickly. The processing after, that’s what’s most important. Just be there for the questions, take time with it, don’t feel rushed to answer, walk the path of grief, together.
Such sad times! I’m so sorry for your loss. We had a cat and a dog die when our kids were young (4&2yo when the cat died, 5&3 for the dog). It was really hard! Especially since both pets had been with me for almost 20 years… both were a big losses.
We talked about it with them once it was clear that they were on their way out. We tried to keep it age appropriate and simple, but very matter of fact, no euphemisms, etc. When the time came that we decided to euthanize, we gave the kids the option if they wanted to come or not (both to the vet, and then to stay with the pet until the end). Both times, they chose to stay, and then we went out for ice cream and talked about it all a bunch, kinda trying to follow their lead whenever they wanted to talk about it.
I would definitely do the same again in the future…explain what’s going to happen, what it’ll be like, then give them the option. It was hard, especially because at their ages they were also pretty focused on my response, but also it seemed like it gave them a pretty good grip on the whole thing. Maybe a sense of closure? They were sad, but it felt like healthy sad, definitely not traumatizing or anything.
It’s a painful but very important life lesson. There is no age too early to learn about the facts of death, despite what modern culture might suggest. The human psyche is in fact prepared to handle this shock, even at that age, given proper support. It sounds like you’ve got the support aspect nailed. Just be prepared to answer and comfort and be honest. IMHO. IANA Pediatric psychologist, just an internet stranger.
There’s a children’s book by undertaker Eric Wrede, and in this book, he advocates exactly this: no child is too young to be confronted with death, as long as you’re there to comfort them.
Ask at your local bookstore or library. A good story in a beautifully painted children’s book can help your son to process his feeling’s, by supplying words and metaphors he can use to talk about his grief.
She has a tumor the size of an egg on her throat. It’s growing and will press on her windpipe more and more. I don’t want her to suffer. Slowly suffocating is a terrible way to go.
Because I assume you’re asking in food faith:
Because animals suffer more - medication is not as available for humans. In nature they would starve or fall prey to hunters. As pets we rather give them something to die painlessly than to starve them.
To be clear: It’s literally “misery or death” - I hope you’ll never get into this situation but seeing a beloved animal suffer through something like this.
I’m sorry but I guess I just don’t really believe that. Our animals all have significant health issues and if we hadn’t stuck with them they would have died years ago. I think our animals would rather be with us than be dead, even if they are sometimes in pain, and I think their attitude towards us shows that.
I say this as someone who owns a lot of animals, and who has spent 20k on just our dog in the past year for health issues. A better way of asking this is, would you do the same for your child? A child that can’t talk, but they have a terminal disease. Sure there is a point where you remove life support, but you don’t ever actively kill them.
A final point: you say “medication is not as available”. That will always be the case if people continue to not help their animals in these situations. The medicine will never advance and the costs of treatment will never come down.
Frankly I don’t care if you believe it or not. I only honestly hope they none of your animals get to that point.
It’s not about a terminal disease it’s about chronic suffering. And yes, for humans as well im arguing for medically assisted suicide.
Your last point I don’t get either l: How do you intent to help a German Shepherd with an infected hip who has a survival chance of 0% for an operation? How do you intent to “help” any being with an illness where no medication exist?
You sound to me like the “just work harder” equivalent of health.
You’re full of strawmen to create a world that’s just wrong because of the choices other humans make. Please allow a world that is just uncaring to all living beings - and some of us are confronted with that more than you apparently are. And no, I’m no longer talking about animals.
Yeah I’m sorry but I already have animals at that point. Our dog has an illness with a 10-20% survival chance in surgery. We’re still deciding on surgery, because the rates have increased in the past few years due to people putting their dogs through surgery. She also has a severely damaged tendon that we went through one surgery on. This dog is the happiest in the world, it doesn’t matter if she’s going to live a shorter life if we don’t get surgery, do you honestly think that she would want to be killed for it?
Think about it this way. If you had an infected hip with a 0% survival rate would you want your family to say you should be put down because of it? Or would you want to spend your time doing fun stuff or maybe going through the surgery to help out science? Dying for no reason is the worst option here. Medically assisted suicide isn’t what we’re talking about here, we’re talking about being killed without a choice in the matter.
For someone claiming others are throwing out strawmen you sure are good at them.
Please allow a world that is just uncaring to all living beings - and some of us are confronted with that more than you apparently are. And no, I’m no longer talking about animals.
I have no clue what this sentence means.
For context here though: I have a chronic condition, my mom died young from a chronic condition. My dog has two chronic conditions, both of my cats have chronic conditions, and my wife has a chronic condition. You are the one bringing suffering into this world by killing dogs that someone else would take care of until their natural death. You are removing happiness from this world and if you think for a second that your dog wants to be put down because of a hip then you do not understand dogs.
I’m willing to bet you crate your animals and I bet you think breed is an indicator of violence too.
I’m sorry about your cat. I would suggest scheduling it while your son’s at school, and talking to him in plain language to explain what happened. Don’t say that the cat is now living at a farm or other euphemisms, but instead be as clear as you can be to explain that the cat’s body stopped working and that the cat’s not coming home. Explain that that’s what happens to all living things when they get old and/or really really sick.
There is a book, Little Cat, Big Cat which you could get from the library to read to your son, but it’s very emotional and when I read it after our cat died, made me cry during story time.
Talk to him about it, let him say bye, but don’t bring him. I was 10 and my brother was 6 when our dog was euthanized. I was brought along but left in the car, and my brother found out when he came home from our grandparents’. I wouldn’t say either of us are traumatized. Just very sad, for a few weeks.
We just had to put the family dog down. She was sick for a while, and I kept my 4 year old in the loop as much as possible. Shortly after we found out she wouldn’t last long we sat him down and told him she has cancer, which is a sickness and very hard to fight, and Daisy just can’t fight it anymore and will die soon. He was upset, he cried, tried to cuddle with her (she hated him but tolerated him well) and was very open about his feelings which is exactly what we wanted.
When it was time he helped me dog a hole for her next to the barn, he demanded to go with her to the vet when we put her down, but opted to wait in the waiting room with a nurse which was a great call, when we brought her home I tried to get him to go inside with my wife for a few minutes so I could get some dirt on her before he helped me fill in the whole, but he was not having that. He wanted to be apart of it, he wanted to see her one last time, he wanted to throw the first bit of dirt and helped me will in the entire 4 foot deep hole. He cried, he cracked some jokes, he sat with her for a while and really processed. I told him that she’ll eventually turn into soil and help the nearby plants grow, kind of like our compost, and he asked if we could plant some flowers where we buried her.
He was apart of the process through almost every step and it was always his choice. It was certainly a lot but he handled it beautifully and really did a better job at processing then me and my wife.
He brings her up in a cheerful manor, he shows people the flowers when they come over. Every once in a while he’ll find one of her toys and either want to give it to our other dog or put it by her spot.
He had a hard time grasping that she wasn’t coming back but I think the flower/compost thing really helped him understand.
I don’t know if it was the right way to go about it, my wife disagreed with me at first and said we should do it when he’s at his grandparents and have her already buried but I was very adamant that he should be apart of it. I feel like it was a good call and he told us when it was too much and he needed a break.
Just went through this but more suddenly. We had the kids present and I had to tell them at the vet how things were going to go. We let them bewith the cat for awhile, hug her, tell her goodbye, and then had them wait outside the room during the injection. Once that was done we let them see her if they wanted.
Each child reacted and has handled it differently. Our oldest had a strong relationship with the kitty. Slept together at night, spent time together during waking hours. Furry little BFF. My oldest is having a really hard time. My younger two aren’t having as hard a time. Partly the connection, but also partly the age. It’s hard for a few days, but then they bounce back. The younger they are the less the death makes sense or impacts them on a daily. So they may ask about the cat, and they may cry a few times. But overall, the little ones don’t fully get it. They may even say things that could be taken as insensitive but for their age. Honestly, you may have the harder time as the adult if you care about the cat.
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Have him say goodbye to the cat but don’t have him present for the euthanasia.
My parenting philosophy is that to earn children’s trust, you must be truthful with them. Parents are also tasked with protecting children from too much pain. In practice, this means giving them the truth in a way they can process.
Tell them well in advance.
On the day let them hug the cat as it leaves. Tell them this will be the last time.
In the best case, they will be sad and angry. They might also be confused. Let them.
The above poster gives good advice.
We had to put down our neighborhood conglomerate appropriately named Tuvix when my son was four. We didn’t do any of that paradise-farm-fairytale-BS. We were honest about why, and explained it to him.
Kids are resilient and adaptable, even if something sad happens. I find that honesty goes a long way.
He wasn’t present at the vet, we told him a after the fact (He knew that Tuvix was ill).
ive had 4…
At 4yo mine were able to understand the finality… you dont need to great detail about death… but the temporary nature of life is not terribly hard to grasp. I was always of the mind that you should answer any question asked truthfully… but obviously age appropriate.
i always found i was making a bigger deal of %concept% than was necessary
also… its gunna suck… youre going to feel your own pain as well as theirs
We unfortunately had a more traumatic experience for our kids when my first cat, Luna, died. I found Luna in the basement under the workbench, unconscious and barely breathing. My wife held Luna in her lap while the kids (2 and 4 at the time) got to pet her and say goodbye. Luna died while we were all petting her. Our 4 year old was extremely upset for weeks after, and we ended up getting her a cat stuffy that looked like Luna to help her cope. Our younger kid has zero memory of it happening.
All of this is to say, I would not recommend having your 4 yo present, but do give him the chance to say goodbye in his own way and make sure he understands that your cat will be gone forever.
Feeling with you, stranger friend!
Serious tip: don’t traumatize your child by making it over the top traumatic and they’ll be fine!
Your instinct is correct, kids have an amazing grasp on life and death.
I had and have the same topic with my back then three year old. I won’t go into details but death is a topic for quite a while now.
Be open, be honest and don’t shy away from translating it to his level: If he had a favorite toy that got destroyed it’s an emotional connection he can make for example.
One important thing for me to point out though because it caught me as a shock: true empathy is impossible for a kid that age. Meaning: the chance is high that hell say something that will be completely out of the blue or shocking - expect it and don’t be too harsh please, even when he’ll manage to trigger something ❤️
I actually don’t think you are allowed to put down kids.
I lost my nan when I was 10, older, but I was still a kid with kid level processing. All I wanted was someone to help me process what had happened, talk about it, so I could work through the feelings. Talk about her and all we did together to feel a connection in how I felt, both in enjoying her company, throughout the years and how empty it felt without her.
When our family cat died, I sat down outside with my kids, aged 8 and 11, and we painted offcuts of wood, in representations of her, and talked about all the joy she brought, the fun times, the silly things. Then we lit a fire to say goodbye and I bought the kids packets that turn colours in the flames and let them all throw one in each, while saying whatever they wanted, or nothing. It was a lovely afternoon. We kept all the paintings. They turned out beautifully.
The moment passes quickly. The processing after, that’s what’s most important. Just be there for the questions, take time with it, don’t feel rushed to answer, walk the path of grief, together.
Thank you. Some kind of griefing ceremony sounds like a great idea!
Such sad times! I’m so sorry for your loss. We had a cat and a dog die when our kids were young (4&2yo when the cat died, 5&3 for the dog). It was really hard! Especially since both pets had been with me for almost 20 years… both were a big losses. We talked about it with them once it was clear that they were on their way out. We tried to keep it age appropriate and simple, but very matter of fact, no euphemisms, etc. When the time came that we decided to euthanize, we gave the kids the option if they wanted to come or not (both to the vet, and then to stay with the pet until the end). Both times, they chose to stay, and then we went out for ice cream and talked about it all a bunch, kinda trying to follow their lead whenever they wanted to talk about it. I would definitely do the same again in the future…explain what’s going to happen, what it’ll be like, then give them the option. It was hard, especially because at their ages they were also pretty focused on my response, but also it seemed like it gave them a pretty good grip on the whole thing. Maybe a sense of closure? They were sad, but it felt like healthy sad, definitely not traumatizing or anything.
It’s a painful but very important life lesson. There is no age too early to learn about the facts of death, despite what modern culture might suggest. The human psyche is in fact prepared to handle this shock, even at that age, given proper support. It sounds like you’ve got the support aspect nailed. Just be prepared to answer and comfort and be honest. IMHO. IANA Pediatric psychologist, just an internet stranger.
You’re 100% correct!
There’s a children’s book by undertaker Eric Wrede, and in this book, he advocates exactly this: no child is too young to be confronted with death, as long as you’re there to comfort them.
Ask at your local bookstore or library. A good story in a beautifully painted children’s book can help your son to process his feeling’s, by supplying words and metaphors he can use to talk about his grief.
I understand this is a parenting thread, but why do you “have to go to the vet and have the cat put down”? Why not just let her die on her own?
She has a tumor the size of an egg on her throat. It’s growing and will press on her windpipe more and more. I don’t want her to suffer. Slowly suffocating is a terrible way to go.
This is a perfect answer in case your kid ask why.
Because I assume you’re asking in food faith: Because animals suffer more - medication is not as available for humans. In nature they would starve or fall prey to hunters. As pets we rather give them something to die painlessly than to starve them.
To be clear: It’s literally “misery or death” - I hope you’ll never get into this situation but seeing a beloved animal suffer through something like this.
I’m sorry but I guess I just don’t really believe that. Our animals all have significant health issues and if we hadn’t stuck with them they would have died years ago. I think our animals would rather be with us than be dead, even if they are sometimes in pain, and I think their attitude towards us shows that.
I say this as someone who owns a lot of animals, and who has spent 20k on just our dog in the past year for health issues. A better way of asking this is, would you do the same for your child? A child that can’t talk, but they have a terminal disease. Sure there is a point where you remove life support, but you don’t ever actively kill them.
A final point: you say “medication is not as available”. That will always be the case if people continue to not help their animals in these situations. The medicine will never advance and the costs of treatment will never come down.
Frankly I don’t care if you believe it or not. I only honestly hope they none of your animals get to that point.
It’s not about a terminal disease it’s about chronic suffering. And yes, for humans as well im arguing for medically assisted suicide.
Your last point I don’t get either l: How do you intent to help a German Shepherd with an infected hip who has a survival chance of 0% for an operation? How do you intent to “help” any being with an illness where no medication exist?
You sound to me like the “just work harder” equivalent of health.
You’re full of strawmen to create a world that’s just wrong because of the choices other humans make. Please allow a world that is just uncaring to all living beings - and some of us are confronted with that more than you apparently are. And no, I’m no longer talking about animals.
Yeah I’m sorry but I already have animals at that point. Our dog has an illness with a 10-20% survival chance in surgery. We’re still deciding on surgery, because the rates have increased in the past few years due to people putting their dogs through surgery. She also has a severely damaged tendon that we went through one surgery on. This dog is the happiest in the world, it doesn’t matter if she’s going to live a shorter life if we don’t get surgery, do you honestly think that she would want to be killed for it?
Think about it this way. If you had an infected hip with a 0% survival rate would you want your family to say you should be put down because of it? Or would you want to spend your time doing fun stuff or maybe going through the surgery to help out science? Dying for no reason is the worst option here. Medically assisted suicide isn’t what we’re talking about here, we’re talking about being killed without a choice in the matter.
For someone claiming others are throwing out strawmen you sure are good at them.
I have no clue what this sentence means.
For context here though: I have a chronic condition, my mom died young from a chronic condition. My dog has two chronic conditions, both of my cats have chronic conditions, and my wife has a chronic condition. You are the one bringing suffering into this world by killing dogs that someone else would take care of until their natural death. You are removing happiness from this world and if you think for a second that your dog wants to be put down because of a hip then you do not understand dogs.
I’m willing to bet you crate your animals and I bet you think breed is an indicator of violence too.
I’m done with this conversation.
I’m sorry about your cat. I would suggest scheduling it while your son’s at school, and talking to him in plain language to explain what happened. Don’t say that the cat is now living at a farm or other euphemisms, but instead be as clear as you can be to explain that the cat’s body stopped working and that the cat’s not coming home. Explain that that’s what happens to all living things when they get old and/or really really sick.
There is a book, Little Cat, Big Cat which you could get from the library to read to your son, but it’s very emotional and when I read it after our cat died, made me cry during story time.
Ohh, that book is a great suggestion! I’m going to look for it in our library.
Talk to him about it, let him say bye, but don’t bring him. I was 10 and my brother was 6 when our dog was euthanized. I was brought along but left in the car, and my brother found out when he came home from our grandparents’. I wouldn’t say either of us are traumatized. Just very sad, for a few weeks.
We just had to put the family dog down. She was sick for a while, and I kept my 4 year old in the loop as much as possible. Shortly after we found out she wouldn’t last long we sat him down and told him she has cancer, which is a sickness and very hard to fight, and Daisy just can’t fight it anymore and will die soon. He was upset, he cried, tried to cuddle with her (she hated him but tolerated him well) and was very open about his feelings which is exactly what we wanted.
When it was time he helped me dog a hole for her next to the barn, he demanded to go with her to the vet when we put her down, but opted to wait in the waiting room with a nurse which was a great call, when we brought her home I tried to get him to go inside with my wife for a few minutes so I could get some dirt on her before he helped me fill in the whole, but he was not having that. He wanted to be apart of it, he wanted to see her one last time, he wanted to throw the first bit of dirt and helped me will in the entire 4 foot deep hole. He cried, he cracked some jokes, he sat with her for a while and really processed. I told him that she’ll eventually turn into soil and help the nearby plants grow, kind of like our compost, and he asked if we could plant some flowers where we buried her.
He was apart of the process through almost every step and it was always his choice. It was certainly a lot but he handled it beautifully and really did a better job at processing then me and my wife.
He brings her up in a cheerful manor, he shows people the flowers when they come over. Every once in a while he’ll find one of her toys and either want to give it to our other dog or put it by her spot.
He had a hard time grasping that she wasn’t coming back but I think the flower/compost thing really helped him understand.
I don’t know if it was the right way to go about it, my wife disagreed with me at first and said we should do it when he’s at his grandparents and have her already buried but I was very adamant that he should be apart of it. I feel like it was a good call and he told us when it was too much and he needed a break.
Just went through this but more suddenly. We had the kids present and I had to tell them at the vet how things were going to go. We let them bewith the cat for awhile, hug her, tell her goodbye, and then had them wait outside the room during the injection. Once that was done we let them see her if they wanted.
Each child reacted and has handled it differently. Our oldest had a strong relationship with the kitty. Slept together at night, spent time together during waking hours. Furry little BFF. My oldest is having a really hard time. My younger two aren’t having as hard a time. Partly the connection, but also partly the age. It’s hard for a few days, but then they bounce back. The younger they are the less the death makes sense or impacts them on a daily. So they may ask about the cat, and they may cry a few times. But overall, the little ones don’t fully get it. They may even say things that could be taken as insensitive but for their age. Honestly, you may have the harder time as the adult if you care about the cat.